Superhero Highlight: Some Villains

Who do these superheroes, devised by Hannah and Jenny (more about that can be found here as well as the first description) fight? Ask and you shall receive!

Super Villains

The Jeweler
Strengths: The Jeweler is made completely out of diamonds, so he is sharp, and strong, and can blind people because he is so shiny.

Weaknesses: Because diamonds are the hardest substance, nothing can cut him but a diamond saw; however, a diamond saw is why he lost his hand years ago. Also, being made of diamonds can slow a man down

Backstory: The Jeweler was not always the villainous ne'er-do-well that we see before us today, he used to be a decent, honest, hard working man. That is, however, until one spring the prices of diamonds skyrocketed, and many grooms had no choice but to resort to the unthinkable. They tracked down the Jeweler, cut off his hand for their own personal uses, and left him for dead. After he was nursed back to health by a gypsy, The Jeweler decided that he could not forgive society for how they turned on him and became the most dreaded villain in his fair town.

Ultimate plot: To rebuild his hand to be the master key for all nuclear missile launch sites

Peasant Man
Strengths: Peasant man has the power of controlling rats and lighting torches in an instant.

Weaknesses: He cannot bear the touch of soap, and has an overwhelming desire to cultivate the land

Backstory: Peasant Man lived his life in poverty, always under the jurisdiction of someone else. He spent his days farming and cooking and cleaning for the Lords and Ladies until he decided that he could take no more. He froze himself in some ice so that he could be awakened in a more progressive age, only to find that he reverts to his old habits of inciting revolutions and farming for others.

Ultimate plot: To overthrow the government

Static Shock
Strengths: Static Shock can cultivate static like none other. He is forever shocking people, in the most annoying of ways.

Weaknesses: Because his sole power comes from the static electricity around us, he does not enjoy hairspray, due to its static-effects. He also cannot be near daffodils for obvious reasons.

Backstory: Static Shock was somewhat of an outcast throughout school. People were always afraid to get near him because he was just always shocking everyone, and no one wants a friend that is constantly hurting them. So, alone he was, until a young lady decided to take pity on him and keep him company. Static Shock thought it was true love, Veronica thought it was free food. Static Shock took it hard when Veronica said she just was not that into him, and immediately resorted to a life of crime.

Ultimate plot: To ruin Veronica’s prom picture by making her hair super frizzy.

Airhead
Strengths: Airhead has the power to breathe thrice concentrated helium, which comes in handy when she can escape something by flying off in her self-blown balloon

Weaknesses: Airhead can sometimes be that stereotype of girls that we all hate, in the sense that her weaknesses are cute boys and large words. She also is not a fan of fire.

Backstory: People always wondered why Airhead’s voice was so high, but it wasn’t until she was helping set up for a carnival that her true power was discovered. She was helping blow up balloons, but rather than sink to the ground like everyone else’s did, hers rose higher and higher to the top of the ceiling, as if they were filled with helium. This may have explained some things, but it still did not keep the other children from laughing at her silly voice. Due to her humiliation, she sunk into the world of evil to escape her woes, and is now a conniving villain feared by all.

Ultimate plot: To kidnap a fashion designer by suspending her limo with weather balloons and make her design clothes for her.

Sonic Boom
Strength: Sonic Boom has the power to amplify speakers

Weaknesses: She cannot handle listening to easy listening, elevator muzak or NPR

Backstory: In her youth, Sonic Boom was a rebellious rabble rouser. She loved protests and awareness functions and the like. However, a lot of other people also enjoyed these things, and were a bit more assertive than she was, so she missed a lot of opportunities. Then one day, getting ready for a rally, the speaker she was messing with exploded, sending waves of electricity surging through her body. From that moment on, she had the power to amplify speakers to dangerous volumes if she so chose. So she realized that with her power, she would become the most influential mind in the protesting world.

Ultimate plot: To destroy free speech

The Bedtime Bandit
Strength: When the sun is down, The Bedtime Bandit has the power to alter what is written in a book.

Weaknesses: Whatever he changes, changes back to the original version at dawn, so it is all very short term. Also, he is allergic to paper, so he cannot actually touch the books.

Backstory: As a lad, his mother never read him stories at night. Instead, she had his older brother do the job; however, the older brother was mean and would read scary stories to The Bedtime Bandit. Fortunately, his older brother was not creative, so when a fairy godmother bestowed the power to change the written word upon The Bedtime Bandit, the brother would have to read whatever The Bedtime Bandit changed the text to, because he could not think of anything on his own. But now, the brother would read a nice story, then be quite a bully to his younger brother, leading him to a life of crime.

Ultimate plot: To brainwash children by rewriting their books

Superhero Highlight: Hunky McDreamboat

Continuing the stories of superheroes devised by Hannah and Jenny (more about that can be found here as well as the first description)

Hunky McDreamboat

Power: Superhuman suaveness, the ability to literally charm a person off their feet

Backstory: Once mean, course, and unrefined, he met a young lady (a gorgeous young lady at that) who loved to read and lived in a small, provincial town. Unable to win her with his beastly ways, his talking candlestick and dresser referred him to charm school. As an educated man, he quickly mastereHunkyd the art of charm, got his masters, with a minor in urbane, witty conversation, and went on to receive a PhD in debonairity. Upon his graduation, he began to abuse his powers, charming salesladies in to giving him several free samples . . . of EVERYTHING! However, one day he chanced upon his true love again, only this time she was squarely in harm’s way, being held up by a dastardly vixen. Hunky McDreamboat came to the rescue, using his charm to disarm the vamp. Ever since that day, Hunky McDreamboat has used his powers for good. Also, he totally got the girl.

Cover: Mild-mannered male model (and a handsome male model at that)

Cover name: Max Maxwell

Introduction to partner: One day, Hunky McDreamboat awoke in a panic to the sound of the garbage truck driving away. Realizing he had forgotten to put out the garbage the night before, he jumped out of bed, with immaculate hair and no morning breath of which to speak. He grabbed the garbage can with his meticulously manicured hands and dashed handsomely out the door. He ran after the truck, sweat glistening on his forehead and well-toned bare chest, causing much female commotion, and many a swoon, from the houses along the alley. As Hunky McDreamboat was (and still is) in fabulous shape, he quickly overtook the garbage truck. The garbageman (and a handsome garbageman at that), none other than . . . The Drossinator, saw Hunky McDreamboat’s struggle and effortlessly lifted the garbage can into the truck with his mind. After discovering each other’s powers, and in the interest of avoiding another similar situation, they formed an alliance of righteousness, and have been fighting crime together ever since.

Archnemesis: Fabio

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Next up: some super villains!

Superhero Highlight: Detective Lemon

Continuing the stories of superheroes devised by Hannah and Jenny (more about that can be found here as well as the first description)

Detective Lemon

Power: Shoots citrus out of wrists

Origin of power: During an attempt to make lemonade, the Detective foolishly stuck both hands in a blender while blending lemons (the Detective did not know how to make lemonade). Amazingly, she was unharmed, and the citrus was fused into her hands. She discovered her extraordinary power when disaster struck at a diner: the waitress brought NO lemons with the water. Distraught, the Detective pondered her fate, when suddenly citrus shot out her wrists, and into her suddenly-much-more-delicious beverage.

Cover: Mild-mannered private eye (a gorgeous private eye at that)

Cover name: Penelope Pennyworth

Introduction to partner: While searching for clues in a dumpster, the Detective came across a sleeping hobo (a gorgeous hobo at that): none other than . . . Hoborella! After the Detective treated Hoborella to a delicious brunch (with a slice of cantaloupe at the end) in exchange for information on the crime, the two forged an unbreakable bond and became a duo of justice.

Archnemesis: The waitress who forgot to bring the Detective her lemons. As a sidenote, justice was served: the Detective tipped very poorly on that and all subsequent visits.

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Next superhero feature coming: Hunky McDreamboat (ladies you are gonna like this one ...)

Superhero Highlight: The String

Continuing the stories of superheroes devised by Hannah and Jenny (more about that can be found here as well as the first description)

The String

Power: super-speed flossing, even on people unaware.

Backstory: The String, a gifted student of dentistry, was often distraught at the thought of how quickly plaque builds up between people’s teeth. His numerous campaigns to raise awareness of this epidemic went unnoticed by the public and left him with only one option: to break into people’s homes at night and floss their teeth for them. After his first forays into the world of forced, and rather illegal, dentistry ended in a short stint in prison, the String devised a plan: he would hone his flossing skills so as to floss unbelievably quickly. He made many a mannequin, trained day and night, but to no avail. In his despair, he decided to end it all and jumped into the town lake, Lake Toxin. Not unsurprisingly, he emerged unharmed and possessed the abilities he had dreamt of for so long. With his newfound powers, he now roams the city at night, making sure all townspeople have well-flossed teeth.

Cover: Mild-mannered dentist (and a handsome dentist at that)

Cover name: Dale Driftwood

Partner: The Candyman

Introduction to partner: On one of his many unsuccessful campaigns, The String was warning youngsters of the dangers of sugar at a local candy shoppe. Needless to say, the candy shoppe was being robbed (they sold Peeps, the most desirable of all sugary delights). As luck would have it, the most prominent hero of the day . . . The Candy Man (and a handsome Candy Man at that), appeared on the scene. He flung wave after wave of jellybeans and sour worms, which, as we all know, turn into explosives with one touch of his hand, at the formidable fiends. The candy shoppe, now in flames, was saved. The String and The Candy Man formed a partnership of unspeakable proportions and have fought for justice and oral hygiene ever since.

Archnemesis: Jeff Blankship, CEO of Nestle

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Next superhero feature coming: Detective Lemon

Superhero Highlight: Ramen Girl

Continuing the stories of superheroes devised by Hannah and Jenny (more about that can be found here as well as the first description)

Ramen Girl

Power: Ability to instantly cook instant ramen

Back-story: Ramen Girl was a typical college student in that her diet consisted mostly of ramen noodles. She was less typical in that she had not yet learned not to put seven ramen cups in the microwave at once. Ramen Girl learned this lesson the hard way, when she overfilled her microwave and it EXPLODED. She instantly became the least popular resident of the dormitory because the fire alarms were set off and it was 3 am. However, she came away from the experience with a new power, a gift seemingly bestowed upon her by the microwave gods. Ramen Girl now had the power to INSTANTLY cook instant ramen. At first, she simply used her powers to more efficiently cook ramen for herself, but after playing a hilarious joke on her friends, in which she scalded them with ramen, she realized that her selfish behavior was a waste of her potential. So she began her life of fighting crime.

Cover: Mild-mannered hair stylist (and a gorgeous hair stylist at that)

Cover name: Harriet Hildenbrook

Partners: The Klutz, H2Whoa

Introduction to partners: Ramen Girl, like the extreme fan-girl she is, one day decided to throw caution to the wind, sneak onto the a movie studio, and finally meet her idol, inspiration, and own personal heroine. Ever since she first saw the classic film The Brunette’s Revenge and its sequel My Neighbor is a Unicorn she has dreamt of the day that she would get the chance to stand in the same room as the beautiful, talented Mildred McEntire. She ducked, she dived, and she dipped to evade the security guards, but just as she was approaching that starred dressing room, the Po-pos caught sight of her. She fled the scene as fast as she could and seemed to be losing her pursuers, until Ramen Girl tripped on a large object that turned out to be famed heroine, The Klutz, who had recently thrown herself to the ground in an attempt to foil this trespasser’s scheme. Ramen Girl, stunned that she was so easily thwarted, began to examine the cause of her downfall, only to find that The Klutz and Mildred McEntire were one in the same. It was a dream come true. After explaining to The Klutz her situation, no charges were pressed, but instead, they decided to form a crime fighting duo. At this point, however, The Klutz already had a partner in justice, but Ramen Girl and H2Whoa! were able to get along with each other just fine, and they went on to be one of the most powerful trios of our day.

Arch-nemesis: The makers of Smooth shampoo, for making all her customers’ hair fall out
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Next superhero feature coming: The String

Superhero Highlight: Halfsies

Continuing the stories of superheroes devised by Hannah and Jenny (more about that can be found here as well as the first description)

Halfsies

Power: Ability to walk half way into a wall

Back-story: As a matter transistor repair man, Halfsies spent much of his time repairing matter transistors. As a result, his days were usually quite mundane. Little did he know, however, that once he entered THIS matter transistor, he would never be the same again. Halfsies began his day, like so many others, with a visit to a mad scientist’s humble, unstable technology-filled abode. He began his routine inspection of machine, screwing in this, unscrewing that, etc. When he entered the matter transistor to investigate its inner workings, however, he heard an ominous humming begin to emanate from the machine. He whirled around to see the mad scientist cackling maniacally and pulling numerous sinister levers. Realizing that the transistor was not broken at all and that the scientist merely wanted a test subject, Halfsies leapt heroically out of the transistor, but not before being struck with its power. Because he was not fully exposed to its influences, Halfsies was only partially affected, leaving him with the ability to walk into walls, but only halfway. Realizing the amount of crazy wackjobs that infested his fair city, Halfsies dedicated himself to the defense of repairmen everywhere.

Cover: Mild-mannered matter transistor repairman (and a handsome matter transistor repairman at that)

Cover name: Malachai Montgomery

Partners: The Scrabbler, The Lincolnator

Introduction to partners: After a successful day of foiling mad scientists, Halfsies decided to relax at a local soda shoppe. He was sitting at the counter, enjoying his strawberry malt, and thoroughly minding his own business, when he felt a shower of copper raining down on him. He turned to see a young lass with a crazed look in her eyes pelting him with pennies for no reason he could discern. Halfsies leapt into action, and did what he did best: ran into the walls to hide. This tactic was more effective when the person being hid from was not already staring at him, though, so it didn’t help a lot. If anything, it lessened his mobility and retreat options, cornering him halfway in the wall. Luckily, the young lady eventually realized her mistake and ceased her attempts to knock Halfsies unconscious with pennies. The two laughed about the hilarious misunderstanding for quite some time, and Halfsies readily joined The Lincolnator, as he learned the young miss was called, and her partner, The Scrabbler, to become a fabulous trio, defending all that is just and right. Upon meeting The Scrabbler, Halfsies discovered that they had served jury duty together some months ago. As the only jurors dedicated to justice and not spellbound by room service, Halfsies and The Scrabbler formed a firm friendship, after they went jogging. So it was a pleasant surprise to both that they were now partners in fighting crime.

Arch-nemesis: Mad scientists
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Next superhero feature coming: Ramen Girl

Superhero Highlight: The Lincolnator

Continuing the stories of superheroes devised by Hannah and Jenny (more about that can be found here as well as the first description)

The Lincolnator

Power: Can turn any form of currency into pennies

Back-story: As an adamant coin collector, she was demanding specialty coins from a nearby antique shop. She was so adamant that the shop owners pulled out all the stops and bestowed upon her their rarest of coins. Little did The Lincolnator realize that this PARTICULAR coin had been recovered on an archaeological dig in the cursed temples of the ancient Incan civilization. This coin, created by an extremely visionary shaman (and a handsome shaman at that) gave its owner the power to alter currency. At first, the coin possessed great power, enabling the owner to make change in whatever manner they wish, providing them with the best currency for a given situation. Over time, however, the coin has lost some of its power; now, it enables the owner to change any type of currency into pennies and pennies alone, which is odd, considering that the Incans did not use pennies. Upon discovering this new ability of hers, she set about to annoy all of her least favorite friends, acquaintances, and business associates by turning all of their currency into pennies. One day, when The Lincolnator went to a vending machine and was unable to purchase anything because it would not take pennies, she realized the error of her ways and set about using her power for good from then on.

Cover: Mild-mannered magician (and a gorgeous magician at that)

Cover name: Melinda Minkfoot

Partners: The Scrabbler, Halfsies

Introduction to partners: After joining forces with The Scrabbler, having met in an intense game of Scrabble, The Lincolnator rejoiced at her luck and walked into a nearby soda shoppe. There she saw a man she thought she knew, quickly recognized him as the Masked Marauder, and devised a plan to foil his crime. The plan was simple, so simple it was genius: pelt him with pennies until he surrenders. She quickly set her plan into action, sending wave after wave of pennies hurtling towards the man. She was then ASTOUNDED to see the man retreat back into the wall, not all the way through the wall, but about halfway into it. “The Masked Marauder can’t walk into walls,” she thought quite cleverly to herself. On closer inspection of this supposed villain, she realized he was no villain at all, but none other than Halfies, a beloved hero famous for his ability to walk halfway into a wall. Needless to say, The Lincolnator’s cheeks turned bright red with embarrassment, a cute bright red, though, endearing her forever to Halfies. At that moment, Halfies joined forces with The Lincolnator and The Scrabbler to become a terrific triad of heroes.

Arch-nemesis: Carmen Caldwell, the city’s most prominent coin collector
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Next superhero feature coming: Halfsies

Superhero Highlight: Backwards Man

Continuing the stories of superheroes devised by Hannah and Jenny (more about that can be found here as well as the first description)

Backwards Man

Power: Ability to do anything backwards

Backstory: As a teenager, Backwards Man was quite the ladies’ man. He was always out on the town, looking for a good time. Backwards Man was rather reckless in his youth, and, more than once, was known to keep a lass out past curfew, sometimes by a whole fifteen minutes. One day, however, he trifled with the wrong ethnicity. Backwards Man became enamored with Gina Gerina, the daughter of local gypsy family, so he took her out on a date, which was the style at the time. Wild and irresponsible as ever, Backwards Man took no notice of the time until it was TOO LATE. They arrived back at her caravan at 9:13, a whole THIRTEEN MINUTES past curfew! The gypsies, notorious for their family loyalties and wrathful curses, bestowed one of their most feared curses upon him: he was fated to do all things BACKWARDS. Thus was Backwards Man created! Having been forcibly shown the error of his ways, Backwards Man decided to give up his life of foolishness and began to use his powers to help those less fortunate.

Cover: Mild-mannered racecar driver (and a handsome racecar driver at that)

Cover name: Roger Richardson

Partner: The Queen Bee

Introduction to partner: One day when Backwards Man was minding his own business, walking backwards in the park, he noticed an inordinate amount of bees in the vicinity. He chalked up this odd situation to the blooming of the wildflowers. Had he been more concerned with his surroundings, he may have actually tried looking around for a source of the bees and seen The Queen Bee watching him. Because Backwards Man is pretty dense, he did not actually notice that he was being followed for a large number of weeks. It seemed as though he would never figure out that The Queen Bee ever existed. One day, however, he decided foolishly to mix things up and actually try walking forwards. This proved impossible, and he fell immediately. The Queen Bee helped him onto his feet, and the rest is history. However, since it is not the history that is widely known, I’ll let you know that they got married and started fighting crime together.

Archnemesis: The police, since they do not appreciate people driving backwards.
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Next superhero feature coming: The Lincolnator

Superhero Highlight: The Candy Man

Continuing the stories of superheroes devised by Hannah and Jenny (more about that can be found here as well as the first description)

The Candy Man

Power: Causing candy to explode at the touch of his hand
Back-story: As a child, The Candy Man was never allowed to partake in the delectable confections more commonly known as candy (and handsome candy at that). The inner angst caused by the deprivation of such treats caused anger to fester inside of him for years. The Candy Man committed a youthful indiscretion, however, when he gave into a whimsical lark, deciding to finally have his fill of confectionery delights. However, when his hand first touched the colored, candy-coating of a peanut M&M, all the pent up anger of his childhood years surged through him, causing the small, chocolate-covered peanut to explode. After being released from the emergency room, where his third degree hand burns were treated, he realized the awesome power that was now his and committed the next fourteen years to the honing of his skills. Now that his anger had a productive outlet, he was able to finally hold down a day job, but spent his nights as THE CANDY MAN, serving up sweet justice to the city’s most dastardly of villains.

Cover: Overenthusiastic bathroom attendant (and a handsome bathroom attendant at that)

Cover name: Brett Bretterson

Partner: The String

Introduction to partner: After hearing the distressed calls of those that would soon be deprived of *awful candy* The Candy Man entered a neighborhood candy shoppe to foil the thievery attempts of a dangerous pack of sugar-crazed miscreants. The Candy Man threw wave after wave of jelly beans and sour worms at the hooligans until he heard their cowardly cries of retreat. Upon leaving the now charred and battered candy shoppe, a young dentist, picket sign in hand and floss at his side, began to follow him. After countless attempts to rid himself of this young oral hygiene activist, whom he learned was called The String, proved fruitless, The Candy Man decided to use this nuisance to his advantage. After receiving many a free dental checkup, a dynamic duo was formed, and they have been ridding their fair town of evil and plaque ever since.

Archnemesis: Mortimer Matlock, his number one competition in the world of bathroom attending
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Next superhero feature coming: Backwards Man.

Superhero Highlight: The Scrabbler

I love all of these stories but anything that includes the words: "...keeping them preoccupied with her own brand of justice, one that would have made William F. Buckley cry like a little girl" sends it whooshing to the top of my list.

Continuing the stories of superheroes devised by Hannah and Jenny (more about that can be found here as well as the first description)

The Scrabbler

Power: Can make really good words out of leftover Scrabble tiles

Back-story: As a child, The Scrabbler was grossly mistreated at the hands of her evil stepmother, Stella Stairbottom. As the queen of their village, Stella Stairbottom feared that The Scrabbler would one day usurp her power and steal the throne. In order to prevent this, Stella Stairbottom employed the only logical solution: she locked away her not-evil stepdaughter in a tower, with the sparse provisions of Scrabble and a set of dictionaries, and sometimes food. Unbeknownst to the evil stepmother, but knownst to us, The Scrabbler had a fairy godmother. She wasn’t a very good fairy godmother, but she wanted to help The Scrabbler. So after seeing The Scrabbler’s prowess on that rickety old Scrabble board, the fairy godmother bestowed upon her a set of magical Scrabble tiles with the power to draw anyone into a game of Scrabble by entrancing them with their beauty. Unfortunately for her evil stepmother, but fortunately for The Scrabbler, Stella Stairbottom used REALLY old locks, and after eighteen years they fell apart, freeing The Scrabbler. Unsure what to do with her newfound freedom, The Scrabbler decided to use her powers to ensure that no one like Stella Stairbottom ever terrorized the populace again. She spent her days luring criminals into Scrabble games until the local police forces arrived to serve them justice, keeping them preoccupied with her own brand of justice, one that would have made William F. Buckley cry like a little girl.

Cover: Mild-mannered English teacher (and a gorgeous English teacher at that)

Cover name: Ingram Inglebaum

Partners: The Lincolnator, Halfsies

Introduction to partner: Fighting crime is expensive work, so in order to make some cash, (some easy cash, might I add) The Scrabbler would sometimes place a wager on a Scrabble game. In one such instance, The Scrabbler happened to be playing The Lincolnator, who, although a formidable contender in the world of crime-fighting, was no match for The Scrabbler’s skills on the Scrabbler board. As is customary when betting, the Lincolnator began to hand over the agreed-upon sum: a crisp new Hamilton. But the moment the ten-dollar bill touched The Scrabbler’s HAND, a thousand pennies exploded into the air (but didn’t hurt anyone). Upon realizing each other’s awesome power, The Scrabbler and The Lincolnator joined forces, to become a powerful crime-fighting pair, serving justice to the city’s most evil jerkfaces.

Archnemesis: The winner of the national spelling bee, she’s just so darn good at vocabulary
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Next superhero feature coming: The Candy Man.

Superhero Highlight: Hoborella

Continuing the stories of superheroes devised by Hannah and Jenny (more about that can be found here as well as the first description)

Hoborella

Power: Controls aluminum cans with her mind

Back-story: Once a promising young microbiology student at the local university, Hoborella was drawn to the glow of a nearby trash can fire like moths to the very same trash can fire. She quickly abandoned her plans for microbiological glory and decided to ride the rails across the country and live the glamorous hobo life. Unfortunately, jumping onto a moving train proved to be more difficult for Hoborella than it was on the silver screen. She seemed doomed to a life of bummery, however Bumerella sounds ridiculous, so she kept the name. Hoborella was no quitter though, she decided to give the rails another go. Climbing onto the top of a nearby rail-guard, she waited for the next passing train. As it approached, she leapt from her post and flew through the air, smacking directly into the side of the fourth car from the caboose, which as we all know is where the plutonium is kept. Hoborella ricocheted off the car and into a pile of aluminum cans that some littering fiends had left behind. Since then, Hoborella has been able to control the movement of aluminum cans with her mind. At first she used her newfound power to collect cans she could sell for food money, but after seeing some of her hobo brethren being pelted with cans by a group of young rascals, she realized her powers were put to better use as a guardian of the town.

Cover: Mild-mannered hobo (and a gorgeous hobo at that)

Cover name: Hilda Henderson

Partner: Detective Lemon

Introduction to partner: Hoborella, having found at last, a cozy dumpster for the night, laid her head down to rest on a soft pile of garbage, only to be awoken by the crashing sounds of a stranger falling into her bed. Hoborella quickly recognized her new bedmate as Penelope Pennyworth, the local private. What Hoborella did not know, was that Penelope Pennyworth was secretly Detective Lemon, famed protector of the town (and a gorgeous protector at that). When Penelope Pennyworth enlisted Hoborella in her search for clues by treating to her a delicious brunch (with a slice of cantaloupe at the end), Hoborella did more than simply give clues, but brought Penelope Pennyworth directly to the young ruffians that had been plaguing her city. Together they forever put an end to the can-throwing schemes of the deviants, thus protecting town and hobos alike. Henceforth, they were known as Detective Lemon and Hoborella, the most ass-kicking pair of dames around.

Archnemesis: The Drossinator -- because he continues to take her fireplace.
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Next superhero feature coming: The Scrabbler.

Superhero Highlight: The Drossinator

Continuing the stories of superheroes devised by Hannah and Jenny (more about that can be found here as well as the first description).

The Drossinator

Power: Has the power to transport the contents of ANY garbage can into ANY other garbage can

Back-story: The Drossinator, an avid stamp collector, had been perusing his stamp collection until the wee hours of the morning. He had become so enveloped in this hobby that he had completely forgotten to take the trash out that night. At next dawn, he realized his grievous error and tried to make amends as quickly as possible. Even with the sky darkened by clouds, then lit up by bolts of electricity, The Drossinator was determined to finish his chores; for otherwise, he would not be allowed to attend the cotillion. Dragging the garbage can, more than half way to the curb, disaster struck… in the form of LIGHTNING! The can was burnt to bits, and The Drossinator thrown to the ground. When he arose he discovered the most peculiar of talents. Somehow, the electricity surging through his body enabled him to teleport objects from a garbage can, to another garbage can. He used his newfound power to play pranks on his fourth-form chums: having them hold trashcans in front of their faces while he threw banana cream pies into other trashcans. His schoolmates, however, were a bit daft and never caught on; thus, this lark of his remained hilarious for many years, without ever getting old. Sadly, he spent his school days on tomfoolery, meaning that he was unprepared for university. Instead, he became a garbage man, realizing that he was the best man for the job.

Cover: Mild-mannered garbage man (and a handsome garbage man at that).

Cover name: Gomer Grasscutter

Partner: Hunky McDreamboat

Introduction to partner: The Drossinator began the morning like any other, collecting garbage from the local neighborhoods. It all seemed quite mundane, when suddenly The Drossinator spied a golden Adonis in his rearview mirror, running after his truck. Taken aback with this young man’s extraordinary good looks and charm, The Drossinator slowed his vehicle. Realizing that the princely young man had been chasing him with a garbage can, The Drossinator seized this opportunity to do good as well as impress this noble lad and used his powers to transport the garbage into his truck. Afterwards, the two went jogging and became firm friends. Realizing that their powers were basically complimentary (the transportation of garbage and extraordinary charm), they had no choice but to join forces and move into a flat together. The Drossinator and Hunky McDreamboat have been inseparable ever since.

Archnemesis: Hoborella, because she is always setting his trash cans on fire.
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Next superhero feature coming: Hoborella.

Superhero Highlight: H2WHOA!

Continuing the stories of superheroes devised by Hannah and Jenny (more about that can be found here as well as the first description).

H2WHOA!

Power: Ability to make water taste bad, like seriously

Back-story: H2Whoa! spent his days waiting tables at a local delicatessen, and thoroughly enjoyed his work, with ONE exception. There was a rather rowdy crowd of ne’er-do-wells who frequented said establishment and ordered naught but water and complimentary bread sticks. H2Whoa! constantly searched for a means of retribution, but his efforts proved fruitless. But it turns out H2Whoa!’s parents were both superheroes, although his own powers had not yet surfaced. On the eve of his seventeenth birthday, however, when it seemed his powers would NEVER come, he picked up a glass of water, saw it start to bubble, but decided to drink it anyway. It tasted HORRIBLE, and he knew that he had a responsibility to use powers well. So H2Whoa! headed straight to the restaurant to exact revenge upon the crowd of cheapskates. It was 3am when he arrived, so he had to wait for several hours, but the payoff was sweet, or more like HORRIBLE TASTING! The no-good group of troublemakers were all served terrible water along with their still-delicious bread sticks. They left with the atrocious aftertaste of justice in their mouths, never to return. However, they also spread word around town of the sub-par service they received and the restaurant went out of business within the year. But it was so worth it. Now H2Whoa! uses his powers to poorly serve only the lowest of the low, the most dreadful of criminals.

Cover: Mild-mannered waiter (and a handsome waiter at that)

Cover name: Wilbur Walterson

Partner: The Klutz

Introduction to partner: While waiting tables one evening, he noticed with despair that some of this more rowdy patrons had left their tables, with no sign that they would return. They had been one of the rudest and demanding tables that H2Whoa! had ever served, and to now see them shirking their responsibilities as restaurant goers by sticking their server with the cost of their food was simply disheartening. “What has happened to the world today, is there nothing good and moral anymore?” he thought to himself. At that moment, he saw his rambunctious patrons fly through the air and lie squarely on the ground. H2Whoa wondered what had caused this fortuitous turn of events to find that the work was none other than that of The Klutz, the clumsiest and most ass-kickin’ superhero in the world (and a gorgeous superhero at that).She had stopped the “dine and ditch” attempt presented before her, and in doing so, helped H2Whoa immensely. In his gratitude and amazement, he proposed that the two join forces and fight crime together. The Klutz agreed, and they became a very powerful duo, until, of course, they added another hero to their team, this hero of course being Ramen Girl.

Archnemesis: H2No, his evil twin who makes water disappear

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Next up: The Drossinator

Superhero Highlight: Queen Bee

Continuing the stories of superheroes devised by Hannah and Jenny (more about that can be found here as well as the first description).

The Queen Bee

Power: Having bees follow her

Back-story: One morning, as the Queen Bee was walking to work, she decided to take the scenic route, as it was such a lovely day. Little did she suspect, however, that the field of wildflowers was no ordinary field of wildflowers. THIS field of wildflowers sat above an ancient INDIAN BURIAL GROUND! Naturally, the flowers it produced were extremely evil and magical. The unknowing bees fell victim to the flowers’ treachery, and upon harvesting the evil nectar, became EVIL THEMSELVES. Had the Queen Bee known this, she might have taken a different path, but as fate would have it, she walked through the wildflower field and was stung by a +2 queen bee! And as we all know, +2 queen bees transfer their life force to the recipient of their stings upon their deaths. Verily, The Queen Bee was endowed with the essence of queen beedom and was thereafter presumed by the bee colony to be their illustrious leader. Of course, The Queen Bee is not actually a bee and did not know how to communicate with her new unsolicited army of unholy minions. But despite the lack of communication between themselves and their supposed leader, the malevolent bees loyally followed their new master, awaiting instructions that they will not understand or receive.

Cover: Mild-mannered scrapbook store owner (and a gorgeous scrapbook store owner at that)

Cover name: Stephanie Snellson

Partner: Backwards Man

Introduction to partner: As a result of her new following, The Queen Bee was no longer able to traipse backwards, for fear of the dense cloud of wicked bees behind her. So when she saw Backwards Man involved in high-speed running of the backwards variety, her heart pounded, and she knew this must be her soul-mate. For weeks she observed him from afar and instructed her bees to follow him, which they did not do since they can’t understand her. Finally an opportunity to meet Backwards Man arose when, attempting in vain to walk forwards, he tripped. The Queen Bee gave him her hand to help him up, and her hand in marriage the very next day. The two have fought crime together as an unstoppable duo ever since.

Archnemesis: Karen Krousworth, a crotchety old scrapbooker who visited The Queen Bee’s establishment and was stung by a bee. They are now involved in a lengthy lawsuit.

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Next up: H2WHOA!

Superhero Highlight: The Klutz

Hannah and her friend Jenny conceived of a sort of scavenger hunt where each person was a superhero. They then made up each of the superheroes' back stories, set up the hunt each had to go on to defeat their archnemesis, and oversaw the evening. People were showing up in superhero costumes ... it sounds like a lot of fun.

I enjoyed each of the heroes' descriptions so much that I'm going to share them with you a day at a time.

The Klutz

Power: Ability to fall over A LOT

Back-story: The Klutz, despite being a rather successful movie star (and a gorgeous movie star at that), continued to be a very foolish dresser. She often (always, actually) went out wearing a mismatched pair of shoes. This proved problematic to her balance, as The Klutz frequently wore one pump with one flat, or some such ridiculous pairing. Her downfall came when one of her plainer-looking understudies was overcome with the green-eyed monster of jealousy. Realizing that she could not rely on her looks to get anything but a role as an evil old woman, this understudy wisely invested her time in the study of witchcraft. First, she picked up four copies of Harry Potter, but upon the realization that these were not instructional books, returned them for the more informative series: Lord of the Rings. After many a movie marathon, she found a book that actually told her how to cast many various spells, but she could not concentrate very well because she was so distraught over Dumbledore’s fate. So the only spell she could master was one that would cement The Klutz’s mismatched shoes to her feet FOREVER. However, the understudy’s evil scheme backfired when The Klutz’s newfound prowess at falling proved useful in the world of crime-fighting: she tripped many a criminal on the run and thwarted many an evil plot in such a manner. Yes, The Klutz leads a blessed life.

Cover: Mild-mannered movie star

Cover name: Mildred McEntire

Partners: H2Whoa, Ramen Girl

Introduction to partner: The Klutz was ready to relax after a hard day’s film shoot by dining out one fine evening, when she spied CRIME AFOOT. Two no-good-niks at the next table clearly intended to skip out on their check, leaving their bill FULLY UNPAID. Unable to turn a blind eye to the injustices around her, The Klutz quickly leapt up and immediately face-planted squarely in the would-be criminals’ path, foiling their reprehensible scheme. Unwittingly, The Klutz had also fallen in the path of a handsome young waiter searching for his erstwhile customers. H2Whoa!, as she learned he was called, was extremely grateful to The Klutz for preventing his cheapskate diners from running out the bill. H2Whoa! revealed that he had long been searching for a superhero partner with whom to protect the city, and The Klutz immediately agreed to form a crime-fighting duo with him, the likes which had never been seen. They have been fighting crime together ever since.

Archnemesis: Her understudy

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Tomorrow's superhero highlight: The Queen Bee