I, Cthulu

This is too good to sit in my archives from way back in 2010 when I first posted it.

Brilliance from Neil Gaiman for Lovecraft afficianados. Here's the beginning ...

Cthulhu, they call me. Great Cthulhu.

Nobody can pronounce it right.

Are you writing this down? Every word? Good. Where shall I start -- mm?

Very well, then. The beginning. Write this down, Whateley.

I was spawned uncounted aeons ago, in the dark mists of Khhaa'yngnaiih (no, of course I don't know how to spell it. Write it as it sounds), of nameless nightmare parents, under a gibbous moon. It wasn't the moon of this planet, of course, it was a real moon. On some nights it filled over half the sky and as it rose you could watch the crimson blood drip and trickle down its bloated face, staining it red, until at its height it bathed the swamps and towers in a gory dead red light.

Those were the days.

Read it all here. Via Redecorating Middle-Earth in Early Lovecraft.

Ash Wednesday - A Little Fun

Because this makes me laugh every time, I repost ...

Ash Wednesday is the chance for single Catholics to identify other singles who are, as my friends would say, really eligible! In aid of that, we present:

PATRICK MADRID'S TOP 10 LIST
Catholic Pickup Lines
(originally appeared in the now defunct Envoy magazine)

10. May I offer you a light for that votive candle?

9. Hi there. My buddy and I were wondering if you would settle a dispute we're having. Do you think the word should be pronounced HOMEschooling, or homeSCHOOLing?

8. Sorry, but I couldn't help but noticing how cute you look in that ankle-length, shapeless, plaid jumper.

7. What's a nice girl like you doing at a First Saturday Rosary Cenacle like this?

6. You don't like the culture of death either? Wow! We have so much in common!

5. Let's get out of here. I know a much cozier little Catholic bookstore downtown.

4. I bet I can guess your confirmation name.

3. You've got stunning scapular-brown eyes.

2. Did you feel what I felt when we reached into the holy water font at the same time?

1. Confess here often?

More Christmas Punny Stuff

Last week I ran some Christmas jokes. Here's a second set which made me laugh just as much.

What nationality is Santa Claus?

He's North Polish!

Why does Santa Claus insist that all the elves wash their clothes in Tide?

Because at the North Pole, it's too cold to wash them OUT tide.

What did the reindeer say before launching into his comedy routine?

This will sleigh you!

Good King Wenceslas phoned Domino's for a pizza.

The salesgirl asked him: "Do you want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?"

And with that Irish you a Merry Christmas!

Divan Japonaise, Duckomenta

VOLKER SCHÖNWART (interDuck): Le Divan Japonais

This art is one of the Duckomenta paintings (see the book below for more background.) I love them so much.

Here's the original painting for comparison.

Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec - Divan Japonais

Here is where I discovered Duckomenta.


Die Duckomenta by interDuck

I received this as a gift long ago and looking through it recently I fell in love all over again. The only flaw is that I can't read German, but the art speaks for itself.

Classic art, from caveman days forward, documents a mysterious tribe of ducks known as the interDucks who once lived very public lives in a society parallel to that of mankind. (I picked this up from the website.)

Weekend Joke: Periodic Table 450 B.C.

An old cartoon but this joke never gets old to me. 
Again, thanks to Doug Savage for this cartoon. Which completely cracks me up.

Weekend Humor: Affirmation

From Despair.com

I was pleased to see that Despair.com is still in there coming up with posters to define our lives. This one, from their 2018 collection, is practically perfect in every way.

Worth a Thousand Words: Classical Paintings You Probably Didn't Know Had a Banana In Them

Mona Lisa with Banana, Evert Kwok

Here's one. Just because today's quote is banana related I went looking for paintings of bananas (of which there are lamentably few). But then I found these fun riffs on famous paintings and bananas by this clever cartoonist. Check it out.

Weekend Joke: I'm an Artist

Weekend Joke: Didn't Get the Job

There are plenty more where that came from — at Savage Chickens.

Weekend: Fish and Chips

A young hiker was traveling through a heavily wooded area and came upon a monastery full of friars and monks. He knocks on the door for directions, however he was invited inside for "fish and chips" for lunch.

After lunch he exclaimed that this was the most delicious fish and chips he had ever eaten. Seeing a chef emerge from the kitchen, he raced over and said, "Are you the Fish Friar?"

To which the reply was, "No, I am the Chip Monk."

Thanks to Mark Woodward of CowPi Journal for this one!

Weekend Joke

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.

The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral. “Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce,” the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank’s underground parking garage for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank’s doors, asked to settle up his loan and get his car back.

“That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest,” the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.

“Wait sir,” the loan officer said, “while you were gone, I found out you are a multi-millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?”

The man smiled. “Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?”

Ryan Gosling and Papyrus

From the SNL premiere comes a piece that could have been tailor-made for our household. Remember, we're the people who loved the documentary Helvetica.

Blogging Around: If the mainstream media covered Jesus the way it covered Mother Teresa

“Why didn’t he heal everyone in Capernaum?” asked Rachel, echoing a question found in the new book The Ridiculous Messiah, a lacerating critique of Jesus by Cyrus of Caesaria, the popular Cynic. One of the most damaging charges from the bestselling book is what the author calls the “selectivity” of Jesus’s healing.

Rachel noted, accurately, that many others in Capernaum were known to be ill that day. “My mother has dropsy. My brother has a bad back. And I had a migraine. Jesus didn’t bother to ask if we wanted to be healed.”

Also, say critics, if Jesus was concerned about the sick, why would he not build a proper hospital or shelter?

“He’s a carpenter, isn’t he?” said Rachel. “Build us a hospital!”

Matthew, a former tax collector from Capernaum who follows Jesus as an “apostle” grew animated when he heard that criticism.

“That’s not what he’s here for!” he said. “Others do that. He simply helps people as he meets them.”

“That’s a common defense of him,” says Cyrus, contacted by this reporter through a messenger. “And it’s absurd.”

A classic piece from America magazine. Definitely go read the whole thing. Via Brandon Vogt.

Because It's Friday So Why Not: Nobody Likes Bagpipes

Award winning Bear McCreary's true love, featuring one of my favorite instruments. (No joke.)

Via Summa This, Summa That where there is a lot more information about McCreary.

John C. Wright's Grocery List

This is too funny. Here's a bit. Then go read it all...

A fan remarks:

“I would rather read Wright’s grocery list than any of the “literary” stuff in the genre now.”

How funny you should mention that! I happen to have my grocery list right here.

Items to pick up:

A pound of Apples, despite that this mortal fruit is the one whose taste brought all our woe in paradise;

A sack of flour, child of an unworthy grain, those firstfruits offered by the first murderer and his first victim, his brother, which horrid fratricide to this day we repeat;

Weekend Joke: For Jenny and Other Librarians

Many thanks to Doug Savage for allowing me to share this.

Weekend Joke: Question

Many thanks to xkcd for allowing me to share this!

Weekend Joke: Don't Believe

Again, many thanks to Doug Savage for allowing me to share his humor here.

He was just a humble student in Hobbit Studies at the University of Chicago ...

No one who gets a postgraduate degree in Hobbit Studies ever imagines they’ll be sued by the Estate of J.R.R. Tolkien. I certainly didn’t expect to wind up in court against Christopher Tolkien and his lawyers, like Frodo Baggins facing down the Nazgûl on Weathertop. Little did I know I was heading into a legal and scholarly Midgewater when I wrote and published The Lord of the Rings: A New English Translation.

As anyone who’s read the appendices to The Lord of the Rings knows, both it and The Hobbit are Tolkien’s translations from the so-called “Red Book of Westmarch,” an ancient manuscript written in Late Vulgar Adûni. How Tolkien came to possess the Red Book is a mystery, and the Tolkien Estate has never allowed other scholars access to it.

[...]

I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and put my research skills to work on my defense. Unfortunately, the case law was sparse. The only similar case I found was The Estate of S. Morgenstern v. William Goldman over the latter’s abridged version of The Princess Bride. It was settled out of court. There was also Lemony Snicket’s lawsuit against Daniel Handler over Lemony Snicket: The Unauthorized Autobiography, though the court ruled that a pseudonym may not sue his own author, no matter how delightfully wicked and meta that would be.

How I Defeated the Tolkien Estate. So funny I read it twice. Enjoy!

Weekend Joke: Han Solo in the Confessional

Han: “Forgive me, father, I have sinned. My last confession was before I did the Kessel run in under 12 parsecs.”

Priest: “But parsecs are a measure of distance, not time.”

Han: “What?”

Priest: “Never mind. What do you need to confess?”

Han: “I shot first.”

There are more Star Wars confessions at Acts of the Apostasy and they are all hilarious.

For those who want more, The Curt Jester provides.