A Bride and Groom

Peter Paul Rubens, Rubens and Isabella Brant, the Honeysuckle Bower, c. 1609

I couldn't resist this picture today as we have a lovely quote posted about marriage. I love the shy smile smile on her face.

Marriage: building a third personality

He lay and thought of the way in which two people, each with their own definite personality, could build up a third personality, a greater and more exciting one, to shre between them. Without Frances, however definite his own personality might be, he was incomplete.

Helen MacInnes, Above Suspicion

Nothing could be truer than this quote. It's funny that when this was read at a recent book club, someone pointed out that this quote is the perfect summary of JPII's Theology of the Body. I love that!

30 Days with Married Saints by Kent and Caitlin Lasnoski

30 Days with the Married Saints will help you to pray with a variety of holy married men and women of the Church from well-known couples like Mary and Joseph to lesser-known couples like Luigi and Maria Beltrame Quattrocchi (the first couple to be beatified together). Each day contains vivid portraits of heroically virtuous married saints as well as prayers, moving reflections, questions, and practical suggestions to enrich your marriage and inspire you and your spouse on your journey of sanctity.

I picked this up because my husband and I are the Spiritual Directors for an upcoming marriage enrichment retreat. I'm so glad I did because otherwise I would have missed this wonderful devotional.

I was impressed by the range and variety of the married couples presented for our contemplation. In some cases, both spouses were saints. In many more, as one might expect, one was a saint and the other was along for the ride, with varying degrees of enthusiasm. For example, we're all familiar with Saint Monica whose husband was violent, faithless, and unfaithful to her. However, after twenty years of marriage he was baptized shortly before his death.

On the other hand, Blessed Frederic Ozanam who founded the Saint Vincent de Paul Society had a loving, supportive wife. They both worked to keep their marriage full of small, daily reminders of affection. This is despite the fact that he was incredibly busy as a professor, journalist, and helping poor households as a member of the Saint Vincent de Paul society.

Many of the couples merit several chapters. The chapters in this small book are never longer than three or four pages which have been a good amount for my husband and I to read together every day. Each chapter has an opening prayer, modern illustrations of living the examples found in the saints' lives, points for reflection and a closing prayer. I tend not to like reflection prompts but the ones in this book are thoughtful and often highlight angles I might not have considered.

Highly recommended.

Marriage is a colossal gamble, or rather, a very great adventure

You and I are faced with one of those situations (which fortunately are not very numerous in one lifetime) which cannot possibly be adequately judged beforehand. It strikes me as a colossal gamble, or rather, a very great adventure. And personally I am considerably exhilarated by the risks! ... The greatness of the adventure perhaps consists partly in the fact that as a Catholic I can marry only once! But, as with being born, perhaps once is quite sufficient! In the Church, you know, there is a great heightening of every moment of experience, since every moment is played against a supernatural backdrop. Nothing can be humdrum in this scheme.

Marshall McLuhan in a letter to his future wife, 

The Medium and the Light

I love the idea of being exhilarated by the risks of the adventure of marriage. We tend to cringe away from risk. But, as Marshall McLuhan says, think of how big this moment is, with the supernatural background. We've got to look past staying safe and and hedging our bets in the big things of life. Think of adventure!

The Meeting Scene

Andrea Mantegna (1431–1506), The Court of Mantua
via Wikipedia

I love how realistic this is. I discovered it in Paul Johnson's "Art: A New History" where he tells us:

The Camera delgi Sposi, being an exercise in contemporary realism, is perhaps the most authentic presentation of court life in Italy's golden age that we possess. The painter actually witnessed it, and the two main scenes, one outdoors (The Meeting), one indoors (The Signing of the Contract), take us straight into the world of marriage diplomacy, ceremony, intrigue and secret manoeuvering we read about in letters and chronicles. That world was later described by Machiavelli in The Prince and by Castiglione in The Courtier. But Mantegna's cold brush brings it horribly to life. I say horribly because, though there is exquisite beauty in the room, particularly in the rendering of the young, their elders have hearts of ice. ... there are no tricks about the figures, which have a Flemish realism. They are the actual faces of living people--fifteenth-century Italians of the urban, courtly breed, whispering in ready ears, hiding their deepest thoughts, making honeyed speeches, dissimulating and boasting, Cutting a bella figura while keeping their poignards sharp, strutting for effect and feigning every kind of emotion ... As in all Mantegna's works, one learns a great deal because, though a master of illusionistic devices, he always tells the truth.

Chick-fil-A and a Teachable Catholic Moment About Marriage and Homosexuality

Deacon Ken took yesterday's readings where people were hungry, added Chick-fil-A's incident of last week and gave us a fantastic homily that clarifies two very important points of Catholic teaching.

Please do carefully read the entire thing.

Or you may listen to it (or download it from the link), if you prefer, since he recorded it. (Mass scripture readings are here.)

Homily for 18th Sunday in Ordinary Time

In today's Gospel story, thousands of people flocked to the place where Jesus was because they were hungry.  They had witnessed, or had heard about the event that took place in the part of the gospel that we read last week where Jesus had fed the 5000 men.  We don't know how many women and children there were but he fed a whole lot of people and they had their fill.  That food came from just a couple of fish and some loaves of bread.

Well, when they heard that Jesus had left, they tracked him down, they followed him, they found him and they showed up because they were hungry.  But Jesus pointed out to them rather quickly that they needed to strive for something more than food.

This past Wednesday, thousands of people flocked to Chick-fil-A restaurants all around the country to eat lunch or dinner.  And they were hungry too.  Some of them were just hungry for chicken and they didn't know about the events that were taking place and so they were quite surprised to see the thousands of people who were showing up in the restaurants all over this country.

The rest may have been hungry for food as well but their greater hunger was to make a statement of support for the president of the company who had, in an interview, witnessed to his Christian faith and had openly spoken his support for the traditional definition of marriage as being one between one man and one woman.

Others were there as a statement of support for his right to speak his principals without suffering the persecution that arose from some segments of our society.

Now if you've been following this you know that a firestorm arose around the country as his statements and his position were taken to be by some, rather than pro-marriage, they were taken to be anti-gay.  Boycotts were called for, even a couple of mayors of some large cities had proclaimed that they would do whatever they could to prevent Chick-fil-A from expanding in their cities.  So Wednesday's events were to counter those boycotts as well as to express their support.

So I thought that in the midst of this controversy which is making national news, that today might be the right time, a good time, without all of the emotion and all of the words being slung, to clearly outline two things.  To have a teachable moment.  To really outline two things about this subject as they relate to our Catholic faith. 

There's tons and tons of material out there.  You can read it, research yourself.  And hopefully very soon, this week, maybe even by the end of the day because he was here at an earlier mass, our webmaster will have posted links to the documents that I'm going to quote from today on our website.  And I just wanted to make this clear and concise which is why I'm up here today instead of down there and why I have notes.

First point, our US Bishops have made very clear that the Church's teaching is that marriage is, and must continue to be, defined as the union of one man and one woman.  This definition is not new.  This definition comes not from man, and not from government, it comes from God.  We see it in the beginning, the book of Genesis.  God created man in His image; in the divine image he created them; male and female he created them.  God blessed them saying to them: be fertile and multiply.  Fill the earth and subdue it.

In a pastoral letter the Unites States Conferences of Catholic Bishops that was issued in 2009 called Marriage: Love and Life in the Divine Plan the Bishops state:

"We Bishops feel compelled to speak against all attempts to redefine marriage so that it would no longer be exclusively be the union of the man and the woman as God established and blessed it in the natural created order."

Further down they reiterate:

The Church has taught through the ages that marriage is an exclusive relationship between one man and one woman.  This union once validly entered and consummated gives rise to a bond that cannot be dissolved by the will of the spouses.  Marriage thus created is a faithful privileged sphere of intimacy between the spouses that lasts until death.

And so this profound, this beautiful document goes on and on to talk about the beauty of a sacramental marriage between a man and a woman. I encourage you to read this pastoral letter Marriage: Love and Life in the Divine Plan.  And our Bishops have been very vocal recently about supporting this definition of marriage and opposing any effort to change the definition of marriage.  So that's point number one.

Point number two. And I want to make this briefly but pointedly, is that this stance by the Church is not a hate filled action or statement against men and women who are gay.  That's what all the controversy was about in the Chic-fil-A event.  It's not an anti-gay action.  There is no place in our faith or in our church for hatred or discrimination.  Period. 

As Catholic Christians, we're called to listen and to embrace the words of the statement from a document entitled Letter to the Bishops of the Catholic Church on the Pastoral Care for Homosexual Persons. And this was from the then Cardinal Ratzinger, better known now as Pope Benedict XVI. He was, in 1986, when this was published, the Prefect of the Congregation of the Doctrine of the Faith.  It says:

"It is deplorable that homosexual persons have been and are the object of violent malice in speech or in action.  Such treatment deserves condemnation from the church's pastor wherever it occurs."

So hateful actions against someone who is gay has no place in our lives.  Furthermore I think it's important to make this point and I would venture a guess that not many of you have ever heard this.  And I'm summarizing here some statements in Ministering to Persons with a Homosexual Inclination: Being a homosexual is not a sin.

Being a homosexual is not a sin.  Entering into homosexual acts, that's a sin.

Just as entering into any intimate act of a man and a woman outside of the sacrament of marriage is a sin.

Therefore we, you and I, must help nurture our friendship with those who are gay.  We must nurture our friendship with God so that the virtue of chastity among all of us is both embraced and strengthened.

So please, I encourage you to be open to God's truth.  I encourage you to pray about this.  To embrace the Church's teachings about marriage.  To reject the worldly position that somehow embracing the traditional understanding of marriage, which has been that way since the very beginning, that somehow that's a hateful action against those who are homosexual. 

Knowing that for some this may be a bit challenging, I think we should now look back at the Gospel story for help in understanding how we can accomplish the works of God.

How we can grow closer to the Lord so that there is no place in our hearts for straying from the truth or rejecting the Church's teachings.  So there's no place in our hearts for having hatred or malice.  Remember in the Gospel the people said to Jesus, "What can we do to accomplish the works of God?"  And His response to them was, "This is the work of God.  That you believe in the one He sent."  There is the bottom line.  To believe in Jesus Christ.

Because you know what?  Just like the people in the Gospel, whether we know it or not, whether we accept it or admit it or not, you and I are hungry for more than just chicken.  We're hungry for the presence of Jesus Christ in our lives.  In our hearts.  Opening our hearts to God's message, opening our hearts to His Son, knowing the one He sent are so essential to us being the men and women that God calls us to be.

God, as we heard in that first reading, is the one who fed the Israelites in the desert with manna.  That same loving God sent His only son to be for us the Bread of Life.  Not just the food that feeds our worldly hunger, but the food that fills the God shaped vacuum that is within each one of us.  That God shaped vacuum that can only be satisfied and filled by the presence of Jesus Christ. 

He is the food that gives life, eternal life to those who believe.  He is the food that overcomes hatred with love.  He is the food that brings us closer to Him so that we constantly seek His will and not the will of the world.

Ozzie and Sharon Osborne's marriage tip: Persevere

Valentine's Day is coming so talk turns to love and marriage. Also, in our parish the Beyond Cana marriage retreat will begin this Friday. Naturally, this WSJ article about long-lived marriages struck a chord. (Heads up, Tom and I are heavily involved in the presentation this time around and so my blogging will become sparse as we get closer to the weekend.)

Never, ever give up. This tip is really important, so pay attention. Sharon Osbourne says it is how she stayed with husband Ozzy for 28 years and counting.

[...]

He also spent years strung out on drugs and alcohol. Never mind the groupies and the near-fatal overdoses. This man set fire to his house, passed out on a freeway median, and once tried to strangle his wife.

Ms. Osbourne, for her part, tried to run him over with a car, smashing his gold records with a hammer and taking out a restraining order. "We became like a soap opera," says Ms. Osbourne, 57, who is her husband's manager.

And yet she stuck by her man. Why? Because she felt he was a good person when sober and that he would kick his addictions one day. And she still believes he is her soul mate. ("Twice recently we've had the same dream on the same night," she says.)

"I went into marriage thinking it was forever. So I was stubborn," says Ms. Osbourne who has three children with her husband.

Mr. Osbourne, who was married once before, finally did sober up "six or seven years" ago, he says, and is very glad his wife stuck it out. "You don't throw in the towel at the first sign of trouble," he says.

And so Mr. Osbourne has made a point of telling his wife he loved her every single day—no matter where he was in the world, no matter how drunk or high. "She sometimes said 'Drop dead' or 'F— off,'" he says. "But at least if you are arguing, you are talking. If you stop talking, it's time to call it a day."

This story covers many good tips from a number of long-lived marriages, among them such famous folk as Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter. Yet I believe that for all its tempestuous nature with many examples we definitely do not want to ever follow, the Osbornes have the key to the most important step. Never give up. Never surrender. My favorite moment, however, may be the tip conveyed by author, Ellen Bernstein's sister. No, I'm not going to tell you. Read the article.

Those Aren't Fighting Words

“I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did.”

His words came at me like a speeding fist, like a sucker punch, yet somehow in that moment I was able to duck. And once I recovered and composed myself, I managed to say, “I don’t buy it.” Because I didn’t.

He drew back in surprise. Apparently he’d expected me to burst into tears, to rage at him, to threaten him with a custody battle. Or beg him to change his mind.

So he turned mean. “I don’t like what you’ve become.”

Gut-wrenching pause. How could he say such a thing? That’s when I really wanted to fight. To rage. To cry. But I didn’t.

Instead, a shroud of calm enveloped me, and I repeated those words: “I don’t buy it.”

You see, I’d recently committed to a non-negotiable understanding with myself. I’d committed to “The End of Suffering.” I’d finally managed to exile the voices in my head that told me my personal happiness was only as good as my outward success, rooted in things that were often outside my control. I’d seen the insanity of that equation and decided to take responsibility for my own happiness. And I mean all of it.

[...]

I said: “It’s not age-appropriate to expect children to be concerned with their parents’ happiness. Not unless you want to create co-dependents who’ll spend their lives in bad relationships and therapy. There are times in every relationship when the parties involved need a break. What can we do to give you the distance you need, without hurting the family?”

“Huh?” he said.

An eye opening example of perspective, maturity, and love from this NY Times story. Also, though there is no mention of faith, to me this is a powerful example of covenantal love, giving your spouse 100% even when you are getting zero.

Via my dear Rita who, with her husband, brought Beyond Cana to our parish. She saw it at Faith & Family Live where Danielle Bean makes some good comments as well.