And with that Irish you a Merry Christmas!
What nationality is Santa Claus?
He's North Polish!
Why does Santa Claus insist that all the elves wash their clothes in Tide?
Because at the North Pole, it's too cold to wash them OUT tide.
What did the reindeer say before launching into his comedy routine?
This will sleigh you!
Good King Wenceslas phoned Domino's for a pizza.
The salesgirl asked him: "Do you want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?"
An old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and making notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "To the kitchen." She asks him for a bowl of ice cream and he replies, "Sure."
She then asks him "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that."
"Well," she then says, "I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that." He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"Well," she replies, "I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that."
He fumes off into the kitchen. When he returns twenty minutes later he hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."
As George got out of the shower he said to his wife, “Honey, it’s too darned hot to wear clothes today, what do you think the neighbors will say if I mow the lawn naked?”
“That I married you for your money.”
The North Dakota Department of Governmental Oversight heard that a small Bismarck farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.Change North Dakota to Texas and farmer to small business owner, and you've got our lives, right here. As a good friend and fellow small business owner told us when we began our company. "It's great working for yourself. You only have to work half a day. And you can pick which twelve hours!"
ND Gov employee: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.”
Farmer: “Well, there's my farmhand who's been with me for about a year. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”
ND Gov employee: “That's the guy I want to talk to...the mentally challenged one.”
Farmer: “That would be me.”
In Heaven the cooks are French, the lovers are Italian, the engineers are German, the cops are English.That checks out.
In Hell the cooks are English, the lovers are German, the engineers are French and the cops are Italian.
A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. (In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald's actually does serve beer.)We're not really into summer vacation time yet, but I have been thinking about where to plan a road trip. So this fit my mood perfectly!
The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!"
The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look, and begins to chuckle.
"And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands.
"Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came here for the food."
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet ... to buy Degas ... to make the Van Gogh."
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
A young hiker was traveling through a heavily wooded area and came upon a monastery full of friars and monks. He knocks on the door for directions, however he was invited inside for "fish and chips" for lunch.Thanks to Mark Woodward of CowPi Journal for this one!
After lunch he exclaimed that this was the most delicious fish and chips he had ever eaten. Seeing a chef emerge from the kitchen, he raced over and said, "Are you the Fish Friar?"
To which the reply was, "No, I am the Chip Monk."
Boudreaux walks into a bar and orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves Boudreaux three beers, which Boudreaux drinks quietly at a table, alone.
An hour later, Boudreaux has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again.
The next evening at the bar, Boudreaux again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times.
This happens for several nights.
Soon, the people up and down the bayou are whispering about Boudreaux going to the bar and always drinking three beers at a time.
Finally, a week later, the bartender says "Boudreaux, I don't mean to be nosey, but everybody around here is wondering why you always order three beers at one time?"
Boudreaux replies, "You see, I have two brothers. One moved to Texas and de udder one to Mississippi. We promised each other dat we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keepin up de Boudreaux bond."
Everybody on the bayou was impressed with Boudreaux's explanation, and Boudreaux was the talk of the bayou.
Then, one day, Boudreaux comes in to the bar and orders only two beers.
The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening ... Boudreaux always orders only two beers. The word flies up and down the bayou. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the Boudreaux brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to Boudreaux, "People on the bayou and I want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know - the two beers and all."
Boudreaux ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear dat my two brothers are alive and well. It's jus dat me, myself, has decided to give up drinkin' for Lent."
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replies, "I did, they were in your tackle box."
A sports fan was sitting in the top row at the Super Bowl, barely able to see the field. He noticed a vacant seat about 3 rows back on the 50-yard line. It was still vacant when the second quarter started, so he went down and asked the man seated next to it if anyone was sitting there.
The man said “No, have a seat.” A few minutes later he asked the man if he knew whose seat this was and why they weren’t here at such an important event. The man said that for ten years it had been his wife’s seat but that she had passed away.
Feeling sorry for the nice man, the fan asked if he didn’t have a friend or family member that he could have offered the seat to instead of just leaving it vacant. The man said “No, they’re all at the funeral.”
A drunk man, who smelled of liquor, sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, do you know what causes arthritis?
The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned."
He returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
A woman received a call that her daughter was sick. She stopped by the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said "I don't know how to use this." She bowed her head and asked God to send her HELP.
Within five minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up. A bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag was the rider. The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open. She hugged the man and through tears said "Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday. I was in for car theft."
The woman hugged the man again sobbing, "Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh, we have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as these."
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a mob of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"
The Aussie asks with an incredulous look.
"Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"
One day Boudreaux and Thibodaux were watching TV. A good commercial about a movie came on and it said, "Coming To A Theatre Near You."
Boudreaux looked at Thibodaux and said, "Thib, how they know where we live?
An elderly man in east Texas had owned a big farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some fruit trees.Via Traces of Texas.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
Han: “Forgive me, father, I have sinned. My last confession was before I did the Kessel run in under 12 parsecs.”There are more Star Wars confessions at Acts of the Apostasy and they are all hilarious.
Priest: “But parsecs are a measure of distance, not time.”
Han: “What?”
Priest: “Never mind. What do you need to confess?”
Han: “I shot first.”
Boudreaux and Marie were having their first fight, and it was a big one.
After a while, Boudreaux said, "When we got married, you promised to love, honor and obey."
Marie replied, "I know. But I didn't want to start an argument in front of all dem people at the wedding."
