Be Careful What You Wish For ...

We go to the most formal of our parish Masses with a full choir and the most likelihood of having older songs selected. As my husband puts it, "the good ones, written before 1900."

So some time ago when we began singing the "Lamb of God" bit of the liturgy in Latin (Agnus Dei) I though it was charming. Since it was short I was able to go through the mental translation into English while I was singing and still get something out of it.

Then, months ago, the Glory to God in the Highest went partially to Latin (Gloria in excelsis Deo). I likewise mentally translated that. It was getting painful (I ain't that good at it) but I was hanging on.

Recently we had the third Latin encroachment and the "Holy, holy, holy" turned completely into the Sanctus. This was too much for me to mentally translate and I took the tactic of lowering my head and murmuring the English words to the tune. Otherwise I was left in the cold for any meaning on this third section.

Unusually enough, I didn't mention it to anyone, not even my husband. I thought of Augustine asking Ambrose about different customs and receiving the advice, "When you are in Rome, live in the Roman style; When you are elsewhere, live as they live elsewhere." But I really saw the wisdom of the Novus Ordo being in a language we commoners could understand.

This Sunday the Sanctus went back into English. As I listened to the lector teaching the congregation and heard the "solemn modern" tune, I looked at Mary's statue and thought, "What would Mary do? She would do what the elders of the temple said." I inwardly laughed, thinking that I got the English I wished for, but at a cost.

So I resigned myself and forgot it until that moment broke upon us during the Mass. I sang and looked at the crucifix. I thought of the real suffering of Christ and my whining about a simple tune. In the middle of these thoughts I was startled at what shot abruptly and sharply into my mind, "Hey, I have to listen to it. Just sing."

So I sang. And laughed.

I love a mutual sense of humor.

Not Always Happy ... Again

The Crescat notes about herself, "the more I aggressively take charge of a situation the more out of control it becomes."

This is not always my experience, but her solution does echo something I am glad that I have recourse to.


In a current "no matter what the problem is, it's always a people problem" portion of my life ... you know, the one where people discover that Happy Catholic is much nicer on the blog than in real life ... I must say that everything goes better with prayer.

No miracle has happened. No angels are singing (that I can hear, anyway). But it has been of great comfort to me that I am able to turn to God in prayer. To pray for those pesky people who do not agree with me. To hope that they are likewise praying for me in turn. To also hope that all of us may be turning to God to ask what He wants in this situation. To ask what resolution would serve His plan best.

Yes, that's a comfort.

As I say, it hasn't solved the problem. That is what we are here to do. To listen to each other, to hammer out a solution, and maybe to grow personally while doing so.

It doesn't mean I won't have to give up my passionately held position. I may have to do so. That's life. And a little piece of me will die when I do, if that's how it works out. That's also life.

You win some. You lose some.

You try to be gracious, whichever happens.

And you remember that these everyday moments, the ones that turn us to God, are blessed no matter how we feel about them. Because anything that pulls us one step closer to God, during which we try to align ourselves to His will instead of our own ... well, that is a blessing.

Making one more reason that I'm always so happy to be Catholic.

Personally, I Blame Jeremy C. Shipp For This

He very kindly send me a pdf of Fungus of the Heart. I said to myself, "It's short stories. I'll print them out one at a time."

If there is something I do not like, it is reading long pieces on the computer. Especially for entertainment. But I'm not going to turn down a book from an author just because of that.

Then, he extra kindly slipped me Cursed at the same time ... as a pdf.

The book whose review drew him to my attention in the first place.

Aaargh!

No problem. I could read it on the computer. Not that big a deal. Really. I'd manage. Bravely. (It goes without saying, though I thought I would point it out to you just in case you missed it.)

I told Tom about my good fortune in scoring those two books.

Who looked at me and said, "The new Kindle is only $139. And they have it at Target."

Really?

It turns out I can get to the nearest Target in five minutes.

They didn't have it. But Amazon is getting one to me by Friday. The dears.

So, actually it is Tom's fault. (That's enabling, right? I couldn't help myself.)

Although I thought I was disinterested in e-readers and every conversation I had about them made me feel disinterested ... obviously my sub-brain knew differently from the speed with which I responded. (Sub-brain ... you know. I think it's a Lovecraftian thing. Or maybe Edgar Rice Burroughs? Robert E. Howard? Anyway. I digress.)

At one point, I surfaced to sanity and said bravely, "You know, I could just buy the darned book for about seven bucks, now that I think of it. Just because I was given a free pdf is no reason to spend $139."

(Brave again. I know. I'm just like that.)

"I never thought of that," Tom said, but in a detached way. "Huh. Well, we're bound to have one eventually. The technology is headed in that direction."

"If you say so," and I sank back into the warm waters of E-reader/Gadget Instant Gratification, spending much of the evening perusing the artistic protective skins available.

I told you he was an enabler.

[I figured I'd wind up with some sort of e-reader sooner or later. After all, someone podcasting public domain books has to have access to Project Gutenberg's pdfs somehow. I've been printing out what I needed whenever it came up. Eventually I was going to run into something that was too big print out.

So, actually ... I blame the podcast. From the bottom of my sub-brain. ]

I Dream of an Amazing Race ... to Heaven

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us rid ourselves of every burden and sin that clings to us and persevere in running the race that lies before us while keeping our eyes fixed on Jesus, the leader and perfecter of faith.

Hebrews 12:1-2

===========

Do you not know that the runners in the stadium all run in the race, but only one wins the prize? Run so as to win.

Every athlete exercises discipline in every way. They do it to win a perishable crown, but we an imperishable one.

Thus I do not run aimlessly; I do not fight as if I were shadowboxing.

No, I drive my body and train it, for fear that, after having preached to others, I myself should be disqualified.

1 Corinthians 9:24-27

Lately I have read several different bloggers musing about St. Paul's famous analogy to living the faith with running a race. The most recent was Roman Catholic Cop who likened it to a swim meet (which is where I found both the scriptural references that are quoted above).

I read all the reflections with interest but, truth to tell, I always have been just fine with the standard that St. Paul set out there. The runner is in the stadium, the witnesses (saints) cheering him on. I can almost see the runner's special buddies near the track, "Hey, grab this bottle of water ... you'll make it!"

However, through the strange medium of dreams, an analogy that I understand better came to mind a couple of days ago: The Amazing Race. Oddly enough the dreams themselves weren't of The Amazing Race, the only reality show that I am truly dedicated to, but somehow once I awoke it all came together in one instant. I just couldn't shake how well that image worked for me.

Pairs with relationships run the race together ... we have partners to work with in our friends, family, and all the people we know. The race goes on and on, with pit stops for food and rest ... life's challenges are interwoven with the plateaus where everything seems to be going well. Sometimes a challenge is easy and sometimes it makes people have to overcome their fears or work with those they dislike to reach a goal (yeah, that one's a no-brainer). Penalties, sometimes given by other teams, can slow you down and sometimes you are your own worst enemy when you ignore the instructions or hints right in front of you.

And at the end, teams jump on that mat at the pit stop to see what Phil tells them about their ranking ... just as we hope to see Jesus face to face and get good news.

Obviously, this isn't a perfect analogy. For me, though, it is the closest I've come yet to having a good overview of a life lived to try to reach Heaven. I've heard it called boot camp. I've heard it called a race or marathon or ... a swim meet. I can relate those examples but on just one level. Certainly, they don't excite my imagination. However, that Amazing Race comparison has really taken hold of my mind. I have been surprised at how often I've found myself thinking of it. And how it has revved me up overall.

Or maybe I'm just ready for TV season to begin.

I cannot tell a lie. I am, indeed, ready for the new shows.

But I will be watching The Amazing Race with a new focus.

OSV's Catholic Guide to the Internet — Readers' choice edition

This is a wonderful resource.

Also, I am made very happy by The Anchoress's generous recommendation of Happy Catholic.

This is another soul-stirrer. The site is run by a woman who seems to breathe in books and art, and she has a remarkable capacity for zeroing in on one sentence and bringing it to the fore, for the benefit of many. The site has pop culture, jokes, thoughtful meditations, cues to prayer — it is a dynamic portrait of a life lived — Happily Catholic.

I am looking around to see where that woman is she mentioned ...

I am also surprised by the fact that no one mentioned The Anchoress herself. I am not a fan of political considerations but no one presents them with greater clarity or charity than she does. More than that, I find great inspiration in her meditations upon faith and how to live it. Great inspiration indeed.

New Year's Resolutions - Updated

Hmmm, I have long rejected the New Year's resolutions concept. This has gone hand-in-hand with the fct that I seem to renew or refine my personal goals on a biweekly or monthly basis.

I have been painfully aware as many podcasts and blogs pointed out recently that thinking about achieving goals is not the same as doing what is necessary. Especially to the point was Roy H. Williams' 7-Step Secret of Success post and Forging Habits of Steel: 7 tips on making and breaking habits from The Art of Manliness that have been rolling around in my mind.

So what the heck? In for a penny, in for a pound.

1. Daily prayer time.
   Yeah, I know. This is a constant renewed resolution for me. You'd think that was a no-brainer, right? Ok, it is a no-brainer. Want to love God more? Hey, spend some face time with Him daily just like I do with my family. Except I don't do it. I intend to, but somehow that time is always spent somewhere else. For the last couple of weeks though I have been fairly regular by dint of riding the exercise bike each morning and praying/reading the Bible (right now, the fantastic and eye opening translation of Genesis by Robert Alter). Thanks to Jen's reminder that "you pray before battle" and that every day is important in our spiritual battle, I hope I can realign my priorities and improve on my morning routine to the point where the prayer/reading is a non-negotiable "must" for each day.
   
   
2. No book buying for a year.
   Actually, this is just from curiosity to see if I can do it. To see what it feels like to be able to only buy a book if absolutely necessary for the book club (my one allowed exception). It isn't as if the Dallas Public Library doesn't have a gigantic selection, complete with new books coming in every day. I actually feel giddy about this one.
   
   
3. Return to making a weekly meal plan. And to picking a recipe from a different cookbook each week.
   Why I quit doing this last year I don't know. Well, except maybe because I was seduced by those many cooks who just waltz through their market and come home with a gourmet meal inspired by what they picked up on the way. Now, this has never been my style. I'm a planner. Not all that flexible. Well, wait, I am flexible about meals in that I may not follow my meal plan at all and do my improvising after I get it all home. In fact, I actually may improvise while buying groceries. But first I have to be switching from the plan I had to begin with. I just don't work well from ground zero on the run.
   
   
4. Spend dedicated time every evening to writing.
   I've got bulletin inserts to write, am constantly behind on book reviews, and there are various other irons in the fire that I've promised to this or that person. Also when mulling over these projects is when God does some serious tapping on my soul. This is reflection and, I suppose also a sort of prayer, that I'm not gonna get any other way as I have recently realized. Eventually it comes out as something that must be written down in some form, whether review, insert, or post. However, if I don't set aside some dedicated time to just write all this ain't gonna happen. I have to be working toward that goal for all the thinking to matter. And then, why not write it down? Just as with the prayer, I often find excuses not to do. That's gotta stop.

Ok, that's plenty. How about y'all?

UPDATE
Oh the irony! Shortly after I wrote this yesterday, Rose and I went to Half-Price Books with two bags of books to sell. However, I (wo)manfully strode right past the books to the DVD section. Since the main point of the resolution wasn't to save money I felt justified ... and came away with three movies for $6 each that I'd been wishing to watch again but didn't have the forethought to have rented whenever that impulse came to mind. Lady in the Water, A Knight's Tale, and Die Hard.

Oh, and I scored Season 6 of The Simpsons ... which Zoe the Intense and Wash the Destructor (you must say this as "Destruct-or" is said at the end of Ghost Busters) had strewn over the back yard some time ago, complete with deep scratches.

Economics Isn't Jesus's Main Focus: My Letter to the WSJ (and some other good links)

Now there was a surprise when Tom held out this morning's editorial section of The Wall Street Journal. My letter, which I had forgotten, was published. True, it was edited and tidied up some but Tom said it read well and I certainly like a newspaper which has the guts to print Jesus' name in a letter header. Isn't it sad that such a thing can be considered gutsy these days? Tom pointed out that they undoubtedly received more letters on the subject and said that mine was chosen to represent all those viewpoints in the national newspaper with the largest subscription rate in the country.

Gee, I was already proud. Now I'm insufferably proud.

It may have been edited because my opening sentences were rather condemnatory, possibly needlessly so now that I read it over again. Then again it may have been a space issue as there were two long but very interesting letters from much more famous people than I. One was by Lawrence S. Eagleburger (secretary of state under President George H.W. Bush) about nuclear policy. Fascinating and you should go read it.

The other from Wang Baodong (Spokesman, Chinese Embassy, Washington), began:

The Chinese government and people are very much displeased with the Journal's decision to publish Rebiya Kadeer's "The Real Story of the Uighur Riots" (op-ed, July 8), which is full of political lies and separatist rhetoric that are schemed to mislead the American public.

Honestly, after such an opening paragraph that is chock full of its own sort of rhetoric, one simply sits back and prepares to enjoy the show. It was spectacular I must admit. I do encourage you to go read the lengthy missive which is designed to leave one standing at attention, singing the Chinese anthem.

At any rate, here is my letter with the edited material in brackets. As I say, they edited it nicely though I would have wished for a bit more of an intro to the subject. However, let us not look a gift horse in the mouth.

[Tyler Cowden's article, Vaticanomics: The Holy Father Tackles Globalization, does not examine the encyclical in-depth as much as to expose Cowden's own lack of intellectual development.

One is always wise to consider the source and the intended results of a work before excoriating them. Cowden apparently did neither. True enough, Pope Benedict XVI did not set forth the tightly focused global economic plan that Cowden apparently was awaiting as a blueprint for a better future.] True to his master's calling (that would be Jesus Christ, in case Cowden needs a refresher), Pope Benedict instead is calling for a change in men's hearts and minds so that they themselves may reflect their inward spiritual growth outward for positive change in their own societies. This is the goal that has always been set forth for every Christian. Likewise Cowden's sneers about China and India being ignored show his lack of understanding that the pope holds these goals for "all men of good will," meaning the entire world.

Jesus did not preach against slavery or the Roman government's economic plan, and then put forth a blueprint for men to achieve economic gains. He was after something more ethereal and infinitely more precious, men's hearts and souls. Thus Pope Benedict follows in Jesus' footsteps in his encyclical. It is both sad and telling that Cowden expected otherwise. He would do well to read and reflect upon Father Sirico's editorial, "The Pope on Love in Truth," in your own publication, which reminds those who need it that "to this pope's mind, there is no just or moral system without just and moral people."

As I say, there will be no living with me now!

Editorial focus aside, here are some other great articles that I enjoyed this morning:

• Prime Time for Steak Lovers: High-end beef that was once available only at steak houses and expensive restaurants is increasingly showing up in retail butcher cases.


• Software That Makes Twitter So Much Tweeter: Twitter messaging can be improved by employing software programs that customize it and require little work on the part of the user


• The Tragedy of Michael Jackson: The self-proclaimed King of Pop was nobody's victim.


• Spun: The Off-the-Wall Accounting of Record Sales: Confusion over songs versus albums and scant historical data have inflated record-sales tallies for Michael Jackson and other pop superstars.


• Teaching Kids About Money the Hard Way: Stricter bank policies and a new credit-card law are making it harder to raise financially independent young adults, and encouraging parents to interfere with—and even bail out—their kids.


• Weighing the Price and Value of Colleges: Old dreams of children earning degrees from elite colleges are falling away in favor of a new pragmatism as families face shrunken savings and borrowing options.

Where Do We Draw the Line with God?

This was the theme that our priest returned to again and again as he talked about the story of Abraham taking Isaac up the mountain, thinking that God would have him slay his son as a sacrifice. Neither Abraham nor Isaac protested or put up any opposition to God's orders. They exhibited completely willingness and trust in God no matter how terrible and abhorrent his plans seemed.

This made me think of Mary's "yes" to God, her similar complete willingness and trust.

I also thought of what I had read that morning in Thomas Merton's New Seeds of Contemplation.

We must learn to realize that the love of God seeks us in every situation, and seeks our good. His inscrutable love seeks our awakening. True, since this awakening implies a kind of death to our exterior self, we will dread His coming in proportion as we are identified with this exterior self and attached to it. But when we understand the dialectic of life and death we will learn to take the risks implied by faith, to make the choices that deliver us from our routine self and open to us the door of a new being, a new reality.

The mind that is the prisoner of conventional ideas, and the will that is the captive of its own desire cannot accept the seeds of an unfamiliar truth and a supernatural desire. For how can I receive the seeds of freedom if I am in love with slavery and how can I cherish the desire of God if I am filled with another and an opposite desire? God cannot plant His liberty in me because I am a prisoner and I do not even desire to be free. I love my captivity and I imprison myself in the desire for the things that I hate, and I have hardened my heart against true love. I must learn therefore to let go of the familiar and the usual and consent to what is new and unknown to me. I must learn to "leave myself in order to find myself by yielding to the love of God. If I were looking for God, every event and every moment would sow, in my will, grains of His life that would spring up one day in a tremendous harvest.

I thought of a couple of occasions when I have seen people who knew what was right but who so clearly desired to do what they wanted instead. How they went from friend to friend asking for an opinion. When it never was the answer they wanted, these seekers having honest friends, they kept searching almost frantically for someone who would affirm their wishes instead of the larger truth. In each case, their friends' hearts ached for them during the search.

Then I thought of myself. How easy it is to identify when someone else is turning from obedience. Yet, as I had just been telling Tom that morning, I had been feeling nudges from many sources to begin attending daily Mass. No one was saying that most deadly of arguments to me, "It's so wonderful. So inspirational." I'd heard that before. It merely left me thinking I didn't feel that "call."

No, the comments that nudged would always be about something else entirely. I can't really recall they were now, for the most part (except for yours, Rita, that one I remember). To get my attention to that level, however, they had been coming for some time and from many sources. Even at a party on Saturday when a friend was telling of her own Lenten addition of Wednesday morning Mass, my antennae perked up. That "I ought to ..." feeling was there.

I could not even argue that it would disrupt my morning schedule. I would merely have to put aside my own activities for an hour before getting to work ... and I can't even tell you what activities would be disrupted, that is how unimportant they are.

I was beginning to feel annoyed and hunted. Until I realized during that homily just where I was drawing the line. At giving God one hour in the morning. An hour which He fully is intending for my own joy and good and benefit ... and freedom. If I am reading the "nudges" aright.

In response, here I was kicking and screaming. Not trusting and wondering and looking forward to what might come that I cannot possibly foresee.

It was a shaming moment.

But afterward, when I had apologized and said a wholehearted, "Yes" ... I had complete peace. No annoyance over the schedule, over the daily obligation. Simply peace. That is the clearest sign of all.

My only mulling over then was wondering what time, if some of the daily Masses were held at the lower school instead of the church and so on. At which point I spared my guardian angel a thought. He had just been waiting, evidently, to whack me on the head and say, "Just go, knucklehead! Don't sweat the details."

Got it.

I went home afterwards and finished reading the essay.

My chief care should not be to find pleasure or success, health or life or money or rest or even things like virtue and wisdom--still less their opposites, pain, failure, sickness, death. But in all that happens, my one desire and my one joy should be to know: "Here is the thing that God has willed for me. In this His love is found, and in accepting this I can give back His love to Him and give myself with it to Him. For in giving myself I shall find Him and He is life everlasting.

By consenting to His will with joy and doing it with gladness I have His love in my heart, because my will is now the same as His love and I am on the way to becoming what He is, Who is Love. And by accepting all things from Him I receive His joy into my soul, not because things are what they are but because God is Who He is, and His love has willed my joy in them all.

Indeed.

And if not joy yet, certainly peace.

No measurable good may come of daily Mass attendance that I will ever be able to report (though I don't really believe that). However, even if the sole good comes from my realization of my stubborn struggle and my change of heart to a willing "yes" ... then that is enough.

Update: Ironically, this morning at my first daily Mass I realized that this actually may be God's way of economically answering my own prayers and using them for something which I had not intended. I'd been having so much trouble getting my time use under control that I'd been praying for help with focusing. Mass waiteth for no man (to paraphrase that famous saying). Except for the priest, one supposes. I've gotta hustle and focus to get there on time. Hoist on my own petard!