Evolution Going Great, Reports Trilobite

"It's a wonderful time to be alive," said the tri-lobed creature, its protruding feelers and antennules twitching spasmodically with anticipation. "To be born during this, the Cambrian Explosion—why, I couldn't imagine a better period, really. It's all happening right now! I mean, if things keep going the way they're going, what with evolution taking off and everything, pretty soon we'll have huge, towering reptiles roaming across the earth."

"Can you imagine it? Reptiles!" the trilobite added. "I'm not even sure what those are!"

The top story of The Onion's Top 10 Stories of the Last 4.5 Billion Years (warning: site often contains explicit content).

Tom's personal favorite was "Sumerians Look On In Confusion As God Creates World."

Members of the earth's earliest known civilization, the Sumerians, looked on in shock and confusion some 6,000 years ago as God, the Lord Almighty, created Heaven and Earth.

[...]

"The Sumerian people must have found God's making of heaven and earth in the middle of their well-established society to be more of an annoyance than anything else," said Paul Helund, ancient history professor at Cornell University. "If what the pictographs indicate are true, His loud voice interrupted their ancient prayer rituals for an entire week."

Not every story hits the mark for me but most are truly hilarious, as are a lot of their runners up.