Dallas Cowboys Release Jerry Jones

IRVING, TEXAS—In an attempt to cut the franchise's losses and "move forward in a positive direction," the Dallas Cowboys severed ties with controversial owner Jerry Jones Monday, ending their tumultuous 20-year relationship with the divisive figure.

According to sources within the Cowboys organization, the decision to release Jones was influenced by the lack of any playoff victories in more than 12 years, the owner's distracting sideline antics, and his selfish, "me first" attitude, which many said was having a cancerous effect on the clubhouse.

The Onion is laughing but many of us in Dallas have had this little tidbit on our wish list for years. Oh, let's face it, since Jones bought the franchise. It's funny because it's true ... (warning: The Onion often contains explicit content.)