FDA Prepares Nation For Switch To Digital Food Format

WASHINGTON—Urging the estimated 60 million Americans who have not yet made the transition to the more advanced form of sustenance to do so as soon as possible, acting FDA commissioner Frank Torti announced Wednesday that the nationwide conversion to Digital Food (DF) will take place on Apr.17, 2009. "The only thing consumers who currently rely on analog foods will need is a digital converter box, which you can purchase at any grocery store," Torti said at a press conference, adding that every American household is eligible for a $40 coupon to digitize its current pantry. "DF offers higher texture quality and better taste, as well as multiple spice choices and interactive capabilities. I must stress, however, that after the deadline you will no longer be able to eat your current food." On the heels of the announcement, President Obama has begun pressuring the Senate to pass legislation that would require all food to be completely wireless by 2015.

Inspired insanity from The Onion. (Warning: explicit content may be found on the site.)