Pharaoh Tutankhamun: "Hey, Where Did All My Stuff Go?"

... And where did my statue of Anubis go? Do you know how hard it's going to be to find another three-foot-long wood carving of a recumbent jackal? It's going to be impossible, that's how hard it's going to be, because it was carved for me by my grandmother Queen Nefertiti, who last I checked died in 1330 B.C. I was going to use that statue. I was going to use all of this stuff.

Now what am I supposed to do? ...

If anyone reading this has seen any of the stuff described above, please return it to my tomb, located in the Valley of the Kings in Egypt, immediately. Please, I seriously need this stuff back. Thank you.

Pharaoh Tutankhamun is an Egyptian king who ruled from 1333–1324 B.C. He can be reached at tutank1341@gmail.com.

[wiping tears of laughter from my eyes] Heavens to Betsy, The Onion can be funny sometimes.

Warning: language alert for the story ...