Courtesy and Respect

Rose and I were talking this weekend about something that Hannah has mentioned before as well ... the fact that Tom's father was a true gentleman. Both have brought this up more than once and it is a true tribute to a man who was a gentleman no matter how he felt on a subject. You could not doubt it if he disagreed with you but he did it with such politeness.

Good manners depended on paying moral attention to others; it required one to treat them with complete moral seriousness, to understand their feelings and their needs.

... How utterly shortsighted we had been to listen to those who thought that manners were a bourgeois affectation, an irrelevance, which need no longer be valued. A moral disaster had ensued, because manners were the basic building block of a civil society. They were the method of transmitting the messege of moral consideration.

In this way an entire generation had lost a vital piece of the moral jigsaw and now we saw the results: a society in which nobody would help, nobody would feel for others; a society in which aggressive language and insensitivity were the norm.

The Sunday Philosophy Club by Alexander McCall Smith

This goes hand in hand with respect, actually for both sexes, but what Hannah and Rose have gone on to discuss after good manners is that Grandpa respected women and showed it by treating them with courtesy. They both long for and admire guys who treat them in this way. Certainly, that is usually mentioned when they talk about qualities they want in the man they will marry.

John C. Wright wrote about this just last week. Go read it all but here is a bit for you.

I am the only person I know who stands up when a woman enters the room, the only one who offers women my chair when the room is full. I am not bragging, I am complaining. It is so wrong that it should be this way. Courtesy should be unnoticed; it should be a background detail; it should be subliminal.

Courtesy should be like an aura: an invisible field surrounding every man, so that when she steps near, she turns into a lady in his eyes. Why? You put a woman in a culture where every man gives off unconscious and unselfconscious signs of respect for womanhood, your young women will naturally absorb an impression that their femininity is worthy of respect. You put a woman in a culture were every man gives off the unconscious signs of hostility all men feel for rivals and the contempt for eunuchs, your young women will absorb an impression that their pseudo-masculinity is worthy of disrespect. Women of low self esteem and weak willpower are easier for ruthless Lotharios to victimize. It is merely a matter of economics: what men hold at low esteem, they value lightly. That is true for self-esteem as for other estimations of value.

Grandpa had that aura and my girls picked up on it without anyone ever mentioning it. It is too bad that they noticed it because it is such a rare commodity. However, at least they have had his example and know what to look for.

Of course, the flip side of this is that women should show men the respect and courtesy they deserve, first and foremost by stopping showing men in ads, movies and television as "fat, sloppy, stupid, lazy, sex-obsessed and unable to function without the help of the fit, very together, stylish, driven, educated and sex-sensible woman." That quote is from The Anchoress' son Buster and for more on that subject do go read her wise post on the subject.

But no matter how stupid young men are in these ads, or sitcoms, their fathers are always stupider, and in some commercials, both parents are completely vapid and need to be set straight by their lecturing, Superior Lifeforce Children.

“Don’t buy stuff from those advertisers,” Buster would tell me. “Don’t patronize businesses that make men look like bums and idiots. I’m all for women and girls being portrayed respectfully, but I’m tired of it being at the expense of men. And don’t buy stuff that uses kids to lecture at you.”

This is a trend we have followed with dismay in our household. As Hannah and Rose will tell you, they need not take classes in evaluating media or advertising. We've always been the sort who are interested in the "subtle messages" of all media and they have absorbed that as they grew up. So for those guys out there who understand about treating women with respect and courtesy, we're sending a couple of girls who understand about treating respectfully in return.