But as I listened to this internal dialogue something jumped out at me: it's all about me being in control, about my plans. And as I thought back over the past couple of years, I realized that, in general, I have always expected to grow closer to God on my terms. I want a sign that fits my requirements at the time and place of my choosing; I want my first Adoration experience to be powerful so that I'm easily motivated to go more often; I want this final Lent before I enter the Church to deepen my faith according to the schedule laid out on my calendar, starting with a stirring Ash Wednesday Mass and ending with a movie-quality Easter Vigil experience. And when things don't happen in the manner, time and place of my choosing, I promptly resign myself to frustration and despair.Et Tu, Jen has a really good post about the way that we would all like to control our destinies ... even the parts that we already know we should let God run for us.
I have never, I realized, been able to let go and trust in God.