And On The Eighth Day She Rested

We've done a final count and since last Saturday, Rose has churned out 18 ... count 'em -- 18 ... kinds of cookies! That's got to be several hundred cookies I have in my freezer. As the weekend approaches I'm going to do my best to redirect all that creative energy into something that I can use ... main dishes. Tomorrow we're making Brunswick Stew. Some for us and plenty for the freezer.

Truth? What Does That Have To Do With It?

The stem cell debate illustrates just how political, ideological, and religious science has become says William Saletan in an article for Slate. The article shows just how scientists are willing to shade the truth to get funding. In this case the DNC is only too willing to play along because it gives them a big emotional pull especially when it is linked with Alzheimer's as they have been doing repeatedly.

The trouble is, the Alzheimer's hype isn't true. On June 10, the Post's Rick Weiss reported that "given the lack of any serious suggestion that stem cells themselves have practical potential to treat Alzheimer's, the Reagan-inspired tidal wave of enthusiasm [for stem cell research] stands as an example of how easily a modest line of scientific inquiry can grow in the public mind to mythological proportions. It is a distortion that some admit is not being aggressively corrected by scientists." Why don't scientists dispel the myth? "People need a fairy tale," NIH researcher Ronald McKay told Weiss. "Maybe that's unfair, but they need a story line that's relatively simple to understand."

Via Catholic Analysis.

The Little Team That Could

MIRACLE
This movie was a universal favorite when it was released and I can see why. Chronicling the 1980 US Olympic hockey team's road to their surprise gold medal win, it captures both the feel of those times and the best of a sports movie. We never get to know any of the players well as individuals which is just as it should be. The coach insists that they will meet success only by functioning as a team so that is how we are shown them.

Kurt Russell is excellent as the tough coach who feels deeply but doesn't let his emotions out. Another touch that I really liked was the use of the actual sports casters' original coverage during the hockey games. It helped me connect with the fact that this really was how it happened. I remember watching these hockey games and the excitement our whole family felt when the US won. That no doubt added to my particular enjoyment but the whole family liked it even without those memories.

Living History

In the last week I have gradually come to realize that Tom and I are at the age where we have lived the history that our kids are learning. I suppose this is only to be expected at our ages (either at that half-century mark or close to it). We have long been used to the wonder that Hannah and Rose expressed in their younger years at finding we didn't grow up with at least one computer at home, VCRs, or (horror of horrors) color TV. *flashback* I remember when every time our family walked my dad to his gate for one of his frequent business trips, he would stop at every TV along the concourse. It was football season. "We've got to get one of those!"

What we're running into now goes way past being able to remember what we were doing when Kennedy was shot or the space shuttle blew up. Those also are fairly stock memories in our house now. This is stuff like watching "Miracle" and having to explain that if the Soviet Union (no, not Russia) had boycotted the Olympic Games in Lake Placid, then none of the Eastern Bloc would have come either (Eastern what?). Listening to Rose explain that flawed blood filtering techniques wound up infecting people with AIDS reminded Tom of when people would stockpile their own blood or refuse to get transfusions. A discussion of graphite led to an explanation of Chernobyl, which Rose had never heard of. (Listen, that's just the kind of household this is. Tom has a subscription to Invention & Technology and reads it cover to cover. We were being treated to a short lesson on the history of the wooden pencil. Yes, pity our children. Their friends often are amazed at our dinner conversation, although we try to tone it down for the sake of not being the geekiest family they know. On the up-side, Hannah never had to study much for her World History class.)

Being a living history book doesn't make me feel old or bother me. Actually I find it interesting to be jolted back to a different mindset by these memories ... remembering when we operated under a whole different set of assumptions about how the world works.

Of course, I can see this overlapping generations. I look at our children and think of the fact that our family remembers what year September 11 happened because that was the summer we went to Europe. Hannah and Rose will tell their children stories of a time when you could meet arrivals right at the airline gate, when no one dreamed of worrying about terrorists on United States' soil, and when movies featured two buildings on the New York skyline that are gone now ... when we operated under a whole different set of assumptions about how the world works.

The Lost Coin

LUKE 15:8-10
Jesus follows up the parable about the lost sheep with one comparing God's joy at recovering a lost sinner to that of a woman who has recovered a lost silver coin. William Barclay describes the environment and urgency of the woman's search.

The coin in question in this parable was a silver drachma ... It would not be difficult to lose a coin in a Palestinian peasant's house and it might take a long search to find it. The window was not much more than about 18 inches across. The floor was beaten earth covered with dried reeds and rushes; and to look for a coin on a floor like that was very much like looking for a needle in a haystack ...

There are two reasons why the woman may have been eager to find the coin.

(i) It may have been a matter of sheer necessity. It was more than a whole day's wage for a working man in Palestine. These people lived always on the edge of things and very little stood between them and real hunger. This woman may well have searched with intensity because, if she did not find, the family would not eat.

(ii)there may have been a much more romantic reason. The mark of a married woman was a head-dress made of ten silver coins linked together by a silver chain. For years maybe a girl would scrape and save to amass her ten coins, for the headdress was almost the equivalent of her wedding ring. When she had it, it was so inalienably hers that it could not even be taken from her for debt. It may well be that it was one of these coins that the woman had lost, and so she searched for it as any woman would search if she lost her marriage ring.

This parable illustrates the sinner lost through no fault of his own such as those who are unknowingly led astray by others. When we are lost and innocent of blame, we are still lost nonetheless. The road to God can be a hard and long one no matter what the reason. I love the fact that He is anxiously urging us toward him just as the woman is frantically searching for her coin. We never make that journey alone. In fact, in such circumstances, we are just like the silver coin ... not knowing that we even are lost until He picks us up.

The Clues that Lead Us Home

FINDING HEAVEN: Stories of Coming Home by Christopher de Vinck
When his son asked for proof of heaven, Christopher de Vinck began looking around him for the clues that God leaves in everyday life. The result was this book of 30 reflections about those clues and how de Vinck became aware of them. I like to read this book when the world is too hard and I need reminders of how simple faith really is. It is simply written but that does not make it any less true. Highly recommended.

I have come to my faith in a simpler way. I came to my own faith long before I could read, long before I attended Catholic school or Mass. I believe in the existence of heaven and in God because my mother told me it was true. It was as simple as that.

My mother would not lie to me. When I was a child, she pointed out the moon to me. She held kittens in her hands and had me listen to the extraordinary sound of hearts beating. She was right about those things, so I believed her when she told me about Jesus. Jesus promised us that there was a heaven, and my mother told me about that promise. So I believed.

But when that early certitude of faith began to wane, I trusted in companions and signs to bring me back. I'm like Hansel and Gretel, who dropped stones along the way into the forest so they could find the way home. I'm like an old sailor, looking to the stars for guidance across the great seas. God places little stones for us to follow through the dark woods of life. God places certain stars in our hearts so that we can take a measured reading and determine where we are when we feel lost.

A Really Good Prayer

Here is a prayer that never fails. It is excellent for those times when someone is crunching popcorn in your ear while you are watching "The Passion", when the choir won't stop practicing even though they did not reserve the room that you need to use, or when you find yourself in the situation I did yesterday ... talking to a very angry man who treats you contemptuously as a simple fool. In other words, it is perfect for helping deal with the irritations and stress of daily life.

Lord, have mercy on me and bless them.

This simple prayer is proof that you do not have to "feel" the prayer. You simply must be willing to say it, however grudgingly. Considering the circumstances that lead up to it, I always am upset and irritated whenever I say it. Do I actually want those annoying people to be blessed? Hmph, I should say not! (At least I don't feel as if I do, although I am going to the effort of saying the prayer...) In fact, yesterday I was shaking with anger when I suddenly realized that prayer was running over and over in my head. But it is the classic case of "ask and you shall receive." Whenever I say it, I never fail to be reminded of my many imperfections, my pride, and that we are all sinners together. Often that is just what I need to calm down and let my anger go.

In fact, yesterday I was given much more than that. I actually was able to walk away without getting sucked into further argument. I let him "win." So he thinks I'm an idiot? OK, fine. Believe me, that's not my way. No matter how hard I have fought with myself, I never have been able to do that before. It was all grace, an amazing triumph over my worst instincts, an answer to prayer for which I am very grateful.

I realized that angry man actually was the answer to a prayer for humility. That's another prayer that usually is fairly grudging. I know I need it. I know its good for me. But I know it hurts. Why is it that those prayers always are answered so quickly? Maybe its because that is the path that takes us closest to where we should be ... death to self, doing everything for the glory of God.

I was left with peace in my heart, an ability to pray for the man to truly be blessed, and an appreciation of humility (again). This morning's prayer for humility was much more sincere. What a great ending to that encounter. Thanks be to God for that simple prayer and for His quick answers.

It Ain't Shogun, But It Ain't Bad

THE LAST SAMURAI
I can see why some people called this "Dances with Samurai" but let's be fair. "The Last Samurai" is so much more than that movie was and, certainly, Tom Cruise is head and shoulders above Kevin Costner as an actor. Basically this is the story of a Civil war era soldier drinking to escape his demons (too many flashbacks of killing Indian children, by the way) while training the Japanese army to use modern arms and tactics against a samurai warlord. He's captured by the samurai, learns to respect their ancient ways, fight their fight, blah, blah, blah ... yeah, its just a touch predictable.

Hannah and Rose recently watched Shogun, which we like so much we have it on video. By contrast, this movie seemed really Americanized in the way the Japanese acted and lived. It seemed all right as far as it went but it just didn't go far enough. I mean, what self-respecting Japanese woman is going to bath under a trickling waterfall when you know any real Japanese village wouldn't be without a proper bath house for a good hot soak? Although I have to say the samurais' armor was first rate ... very fierce and macho. I guess the real thing already was so good it didn't have to be "fixed up".

That said, we enjoyed this movie. The first half was slow and predictable (with many opportunities for mocking the "Hollywood" Japanese ways) but then the action took off and was very satisfying. It was worth watching just to see the samurai's response when Tom Cruise answered his question about Thermopylae. Critics didn't like the ending but I didn't have a problem with it. For one thing, I like happy endings and I see no reason why this soldier who'd suffered so much shouldn't finally have some peace and happiness.

The Shepherd's Joy

LUKE 15:1-7
In response to Pharisees who are whispering about him eating with sinners, Jesus tells the famous parable about leaving 99 sheep to hunt for one lost sheep and the joy over finding that sheep. He then underlines the point for them by directly saying that the joy in heaven over one lost sinner who repents will be much more than over the 99 just people who do not need repentance. This seems pretty straight forward until William Barclay tells why this story would have a special sting for the Pharisees.

We will understand these parables more fully if we remember that the strict Jews said ... "There will be joy in heaven over one sinner who is obliterated before God." They looked sadistically forward not to the saving but to the destruction of the sinner.

Barclay also points out just how important the shepherd was and the extreme joy of the entire village when a sheep was found ... kind of humbling to think of heaven showing that level of joy over one of us, isn't it?

The shepherd in Judaea had a hard and dangerous task. Pasturage was scarce. The narrow central plateau was only a few miles wide, and then it plunged down to the wild cliffs and the terrible devastation of the desert. There were no restraining walls and the sheep would wander ...

The shepherd was personally responsible for the sheep. If a sheep was lost the shepherd must at least bring home the fleece to show how it had died. These shepherds were experts at tracking and could follow the straying sheep's footprints for miles across the hills. There was not a shepherd for whom it was not all in the day's work to risk his life for his sheep.

Many of the flocks were communal flocks, belonging, not to individuals, but to villages. There would be two or three shepherds in charge. Those whose flocks were safe would arrive home on time and bring news that one shepherd was still out on the mountain side searching for a sheep which was lost. The whole village would be upon the watch, and when, in the distance, they saw the shepherd striding home with the lost sheep across his shoulders, there would rise from the whole community a shout of joy and thanksgiving.

This is the first of three parables in a row where Jesus illustrates sinners gone astray and recovered by God. This one shows the sinner who was lost because he didn't think. How many of us would avoid sin if we just stopped to think first?

A Glorious Summer Evening

Last night it was too hot to take a walk, even by 8:30. So we did something radical ... all four of us wound up in the living room, playing with the dogs and talking! It almost was like our own little cocktail party as conversations between the four of us wound together and split off depending on the subjects. Sometimes, we'd have to stop just to laugh at the dogs' antics playing with Tom and Hannah. All this was after a rousing game of Clue in which Rose trumped us all with an educated guess, based on Tom's wrong accusation.

Yes, we're still facing the dreariness of preparing for the school year ... skirts wait to be hemmed, supplies must be bought, that last missing school book must be found ... and there is fun planned for the future (Hannah's actual birthday party ... taking carloads of friends to see "Noises Off" in a couple of weeks). However, this was about the "here and now." It reminds us of why summer vacation is so long. Sometimes it takes months to relax and be able to enjoy the moment.

What Will We Do in Heaven? Part II

Peter Kreeft has an interesting answer to yesterday's question. It is one of intertwined goals. Not only does it make sense, but he even makes it sound like something I'd look forward to; like a giant house party where everyone is having the most fascinating conversations. This is heavily edited to make a readable length for the blog but I highly recommend reading the whole thing for yourself in Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Heaven, but Never Dreamed of Asking.

... First we review our past life with divine understanding and appreciation of our past life with divine understanding and appreciation of every single experience, good and evil: we milk all our meaning dry. Then we do the same to others' lives from within. We know them more intimately and completely than we could ever know our most intimate friend on earth because we share God's knowledge of each one. When these two preliminary lessons are complete - when we know, love, understand, and appreciate completely by inner experience everything we and everyone else have ever experienced - only then we are spiritually mature enough to begin the endless and endlessly fascinating task of exploring, learning, and loving the facets of infinity, the inexhaustible nature of God.

The idea is not new, for it corresponds to three traditional doctrines: Purgatory, the Communion of Saints, and the Beatific Vision. But each is given new life by being related to the others in this sequence. Purgatory turns out be part of Heaven rather than a distinct place, and consists of moral reeducation rather than mere punishment, rehabilitation rather than retribution. The communion of Saints is rescued from a vague, philanthropic goodwill and made as interesting as human love and communion on earth; getting to know people is in one way or another the only thing we find inexhaustible here as well as there. Finally, the contemplation of God is not boring because it is done with souls matured by the first two tasks. The difference this maturing makes is as great as the difference between a dying saint and a newborn baby...

What Will We Do in Heaven? Part I

Here's a common question. First of all, why do we care? Isn't it supposed to be perfect? Secondly, there's never a really satisfying sounding answer. Peter Kreeft tackles this in Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Heaven, but Never Dreamed of Asking.

Nevertheless, though the question "What do you do?" is not primary, it is important: first, because what we do flows from and reveals what we are; second, because what we do also flows into what we are, helps construct our selves. Third, creative work is a primary human need, and our conventional pictures of heaven are boring partly because they do not fulfill that need. Playing harps and polishing halos is an obviously bad answer to a good question. A second answer, the more philosophical alternative of an eternity of abstract contemplation of changeless truth, moves only philosophers (and even among them only the minority). The third, biblical answer, the enjoyment of God (Psalm 27:4), is true but must be fleshed out by the imagination. The mere words "the enjoyment of God" make sense only to those who already enjoy God; the vast majority of us seem to enjoy the vast majority of things vastly more than we enjoy God. (In fact, it is only God in these things that we enjoy, but we do not recognize that.)

We may even fear Heaven, consciously or unconsciously, because we fear boredom. Then death is truly terrible, for it offers only the two hellish alternatives of boredom or agony. Earth seems much more interesting than Heaven because there seems to be nothing to do in Heaven. What work needs to be done in a world of eternal perfection? Yet how can we be happy without creative work?

The answer to what we'll do coming in Part II.

Bounty Hunting Was Never So Fun

THE STEPHANIE PLUM SERIES by Janet Evanovich
Stephanie Plum, a laid-off lingerie buyer in Trenton, becomes a bounty hunter for her cousin Vinny. She always is in the wrong place at the right time. This makes her one of the luckiest and funniest characters to come along in a long time. Evanovich has a definite formula for these books, a mixture of serious crime fighting and 30's screwball comedy, but somehow she keeps each book fresh and funny. These books have enough suspense to keep me reading past bedtime while making me actually laugh out loud.

You know that each book will have Stephanie stubbornly pursuing a very serious criminal while filling in time tracking down a host of quirky small-time criminals. She'll be stopping by her long-suffering parents' house at least once a week for Sunday dinner ("They're hiring at the button factory, Stephanie") and taking Grandma Mazur to a viewing at Stiva's Funeral Home. Lula, an errant file clerk, has become her gun-toting side kick as the series has developed. Watching them try to take down a criminal is something like watching Abbott and Costello. One of the main suspenseful elements is watching Stephanie trying to decide between Italian cop, Joe Morelli, and exotic bounty hunter, Ranger. I have been somewhat tired by Stephanie's indecision recently. However, Evanovich seems to have put some of that to rest in the latest installment, Ten Big Ones.

If you haven't read these, you are in for a treat. Pick up One for the Money and get ready for a wild and hilarious ride.

Slavery and Abortion: Two Sides of the Same Coin

We're starting to see the comparison of abortion to slavery become more common. It makes sense. Slavery is another moral issue that only Christians cared about at first, divided families and friends, was legal until enough people put their feet down, and destroyed people in the name of "ownership." Recently I have seen it specifically mentioned in two places.

Patrick Madrid at Envoy magazine's blog, Envoy Encore briefly discusses Biblical principles against abortion and opens the article with this reminder.

NOT SINCE THE CIVIL WAR crisis over slavery has a controversial moral issue so divided Americans and roiled society as has abortion. The deliberate killing of an unborn child through an abortion, though currently enjoying the "legitimacy" of legality in this country (just as slavery was once also legal), is, nonetheless, a grave evil that must be opposed.

The Mighty Barrister dissects a recent interview of John Kerry by Peter Jennings with his usual style and pointedly makes us aware of the parallels.

There was a period of time in the life of this country when another group of human beings were not considered persons. See, for example, Dred Scott v. Sandford, 60 U.S. 393 U.S., 1856, where the Supreme Court announced that slaves were not "men" as defined in the Declaration of Independence, and were not "people" as declared in the Constitution, stating, "When the Constitution was adopted, they (blacks) were not regarded in any of the States as members of the community which constituted the State, and were not numbered among its 'people or citizens.' Consequently, the special rights and immunities guarantied to citizens do not apply to them."

You can't ignore the obvious parallels between the way the unborn are treated today, and the way Americans of African lineage were treated 150 years ago. And you can't ignore the fact that John Kerry uses practically the same language to describe the unborn as white racists used to describe blacks -- they're not "people."

This may be the startling idea that is needed to shock sense back into pro-abortion people. The same sorts of arguments were used to support slavery as to support abortion. If nothing else, these comparisons should give renewed energy to pro-life supporters. Slavery was big business and entrenched in Western civilization at one time. It was only by tenacity and sticking to what they knew was true in the face of any other arguments that Christians got the ball rolling for stopping slavery. We can do the same.

An excellent resource for finding out about the role of Christians in ending slavery (and other positive impacts of Christianity on our society) is Christianity on Trial: Arguments Against Anti-Religious Bigotry by Vincent Carroll and David Shiflett.

UPDATE: I can't believe I missed this as I am a dedicated Catholic Analysis fan but Oswald Sobrino wrote a fabulous article about this just yesterday. He points out all the parallels between the struggles faced by Abraham Lincoln and George Bush. Thanks to Jeff Miller for pointing this out.

Feasts and Banquets, Part II

LUKE 14:15-24
The common way that people were invited to banquets in Jesus' time would be hard to handle today. It required the person to hold themselves in constant readiness on the day of the party. That in itself is an interesting commentary on how we are expected to hold ourselves ready for God.

In Palestine, when a man made a feast, the day was announced long beforehand and the invitations were sent out and accepted; but the hour was not announced; and when the day came and all things were ready, servants were sent out to summon the already invited guests. To accept the invitation beforehand and then to refuse it when the day came was a grave insult.

Something that never occurred to me is the type of excuse that the invited guests are offering for skipping the party. They can be viewed as broad categories and then it is easy to see that they are exactly the sort of reasons we give today for not leaving any time for God. In fact, one is a totally legitimate excuse but still not good enough. Nothing must get in the way of God. We have to keep the proper perspective and not let the things of the world crowd God from our lives.

The first man said that he had bought a field and was going to see it. He allowed the claims of business to usurp the claims of God. It is still possible for a man to be so immersed in this world that he has no time to worship, and even no time to pray.

The second man said that he had bought five yoke of oxen and that he was going to try them out. He let the claims of novelty usurp the claims of Christ. It often happens that when people enter into new possessions they become so taken up with them that the claims of worship and of God get crowded out ...

The third man said, with even more finality than the others, "I have married a wife and I cannot come." One of the wonderful merciful laws of the Old Testament laid it down, "when a man is newly married, he shall not go out with the army o be charged with any business; he shall be free at home one year, to be happy with his wife whom he has taken." No doubt that very law was in this man's mind. It is one of the tragedies of life when good things crowd out the claims of God. There is no lovelier thing than a home and yet a home was never meant to be used selfishly.

Ingredient Alert

Let me just say that if anyone has a chance to try a Flavor Burst Pluot they should grab it. They are well named ... the closest thing to a Sweet Tart in a crisp, fruit form that I've ever had. Ours came from the Central Market but I'd bet they can be found at places like Whole Foods also.

UPDATE: I just remembered these actually are called Flavor Grenade Pluots ... all the more reason to try one, eh?

I, Robot

The book and the movie have three things in common: robots, the three laws of robotics, and their quality ... not great but pretty good. (I speak as a long-time Asimov reader. I am not talking about the two "robot" mysteries he wrote ... just the "I, Robot" book of short stories.) It was a typical big-budget, action movie with the plot twist at the end, albeit with robots instead of monsters or men as enemies. Will Smith and his female costar (name?) were both effective. Sonny was a viable third character and not a bad action hero either, all things considered. The girls and I really enjoyed Will's love for his pie-baking GG and the way he saved that cat when the house was being demolished all around him. Hey, what do you want me to say ... we're a bunch of girlie-girls here!

Freed Italian Hostages Credit Padre Pio

Padre Pio is one of my favorite saints and I see that I'm in good company. John Allen reports that Italian devotion to Padre Pio is reflected by three Italian hostages who were freed by U.S. Special Forces in Iraq on June 8.

On June 23, all three men, accompanied by their families, made a pilgrimage to San Giovanni Rotondo, the chief national shrine to Padre Pio, in order to give thanks to the Capuchin saint ... The three told reporters they had prayed to Padre Pio during their captivity and promised to make this pilgrimage if they survived.

"I'm very devoted to Padre Pio and I prayed often during our imprisonment," Cupertino said. "They too," pointing to Agliana and Stefio, "were united with me in prayer because they know Padre Pio."

In another twist, Cupertino's 10-year-old cousin Carmelina, after going with her parents to San Giovanni Rotondo on May 31, apparently returned home and wrote "freed" on a calendar hanging above the family telephone on the date of June 8 - exactly the day the Italians were liberated. She says the date came to her in a dream.

Feasts and Banquets, Part I

LUKE 14:15-24
Jesus tells the parable about the man who invited a lot of people to a banquet only to find that they all had lame excuses for not attending when his servants showed up to fetch them. The man then told the servants to go out and invite every downtrodden person they found. Obviously this is a parable about the nation of Israel declining God's invitation to Heaven. Therefore, God opens everything up to sinners, outcasts, and gentiles.

Why Jesus tells this parable is not obvious until we have a greater understanding of mindset of the Jews in Jesus' time. The parable is prompted by a statement made by another guest.

One of his fellow guests on hearing this said to him, "Blessed is the one who will dine in the kingdom of God."

William Barclay tells why this comment made Jesus start talking about the kingdom of Heaven.

The Jews had a series of ever-recurring conventional pictures of what would happen when God broke into history and when the golden days of the new age arrived. One of these was the picture of the Messianic banquet. On that day God would give a great feast to his own people ... It is of this banquet that the man who spoke to Jesus was thinking. When he spoke of the happiness of those who would be guests at that banquet he was thinking of Jews, and of Jews only, for the average, orthodox Jew would never have dreamed that gentiles and sinners would find a place at the feast of God. That is why Jesus spoke this parable.

Poor Man's Lord of the Rings

KING ARTHUR
It wasn't a bad movie but it wasn't one of the greats either. Realizing that no one really knows the legend of King Arthur, the movie makers lifted a few names, put their story in England and named it "King Arthur." The "R" rating saved me from having to take Rose to see "Troy" and if there was any consistency in the rating system, this would have been "R" too, if only for Arthur and Guinivere's little triste. I thought the one redeeming thing it had was some pretty good looking guys ... until I watched Tom Cruise in the Last Samurai and realized I was settling for way too little in that department. Clive Owen, eat your heart out.

These excerpts from King Arthur in 15 Minutes (registration with livejournal.com required) take care of my review (which says a lot right there).

Historical? No.

VERY SERIOUS TEXT: Recent historical evidence suggests that Arthur was actually some Roman guy named Arturius. This, therefore, is a completely historically accurate movie, because God knows you can count on a Bruckheimer flick for your history lessons.

Predictable? Yes.

LANCELOT: Whatever. Clearly I'm going to die in battle, and I'm really hoping it's not going to be this one, but when I die, don't bury me on this stinking island. Burn me and cast my ashes to the wind.

ARTHUR: Awww, dude! Look what you went and did!

LANCELOT: What?

ARTHUR: Now you're totally going to have to die, so we can dispose of your body in that precise manner. It's like, a rule.

"PG-13?" No way. Try "R".

GUINEVEIRA: *pulls up her skirt and pushes Arthur's hand under*

ARTHUR: Baby, I'm Clive Owen. I think I know where it is.

MOTHERS IN THE AUDIENCE: OMG this movie is so not PG-13!

DAUGHTERS IN THE AUDIENCE: SHUT UP, THIS IS THE GOOD PART.

SOMEONE IN THE MUSIC DEPARTMENT: *actually digs up a Celtic porno sax*

Thanks to Cleolinda Jones, genius writer of the 15 Minute Movies, for making this review so easy. 'Nuff said. Next movie!