A recent example spilled over into my comments boxes lately. The origin was an uncharitable assumption made by someone who did not use the most diplomatic phrasing. This prompted an upset, defensive response. The cudgels quickly were taken up by others.
This is such a human thing and I have been there myself more than once. It is so easy to make an accusation rather than phrase something as a mild question. Definitely it is my knee-jerk reaction to fire back a defensive answer rather than meekly admit that perhaps I could have worded something another way. Luckily, I know my weaknesses. As I told someone asking what the difference was between my public blogging face (Julie D.) and my true self, "Julie D. is much nicer than I am."
It is so hard to swallow one's pride, back down, and be charitable and humble, not caring what others think. So very hard.
"Julie D." can do it only because I have cultivated defense mechanisms. I go to my husband, trusting that he'll stop me in time (and, God bless him, he does). I make myself wait for a period of time before answering something that upsets me. I read my answer aloud ... somehow once spoken the harshness of those unspoken words comes through in a way that does not sound so clever. And, all too often, I rush in, doing none of those things, and then am embarrassed later. Quite a good way to remember my humanity and great need for humility. (Whether I want to or not and I assure you I do not.)
The greatest and most effective tool I have is to recite this really good prayer.
"Lord have mercy on me and bless that person."When I say it (quite often through righteously clenched teeth) I am forced to remember all the times that I have annoyed people just as greatly as I am now being annoyed. I remember that in asking God to bless that person that it is also an invitation to me to love and forgive them as St. Augustine mentions here.
That your enemies have been created is God's doing; that they hate you and wish to ruin you is their own doing. What should you say about them in your mind? "Lord be merciful to them, forgive them their sins, put the fear of God in them, change them!" You are loving in them not what they are, but what you would have them to become.That prayer works. By the time that I have repeated it several times not only have I calmed down but I am able to practice a much truer form of charity than I would have by merely mouthing nice words while being madder than a wet hen.
If I was a better person I would only have to remember what Jesus has asked of me. I'm working on getting to that point.
This is my commandment: love one another as I love you.Maybe this is why I have such a fondness for Scripture and quotes that remind me to have a more charitable outlook. I know my need for help in this area. Here are some that have resonated with me and perhaps y'all will find them useful as well if you suffer from a similar weakness.John 15:12
Since you have forsaken the world and turned wholly to God, you are symbolically dead in the eyes of men; therefore, let your heart be dead to all earthly affections and concerns, and wholly devoted to our Lord Jesus Christ. For you must be well aware that if we make an outward show of conversion to God without giving Him our hearts, it is only a shadow and pretence of virtue, and no true conversion.
Any man or woman who neglects to maintain inward vigilance, and only makes an outward show of holiness in dress, speech, and behavior, is a wretched creature. For they watch the doings of other people and criticize their faults, imagining themselves to be something when in reality they are nothing. In this way they deceive themselves. Be careful to avoid this, and devote yourself inwardly to His likeness by humility, charity, and other spiritual virtues. In this way you will be truly converted to God.Walter Hilton
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If I speak in human and angelic tongues but do not have love, I am a resounding gong or a clashing cymbal.
And if I have the gift of prophecy and comprehend all mysteries and all knowledge; if I have all faith so as to move mountains but do not have love, I am nothing.
If I give away everything I own, and if I hand my body over so that I may boast but do not have love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, (love) is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth.
It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails. If there are prophecies, they will be brought to nothing; if tongues, they will cease; if knowledge, it will be brought to nothing.
For we know partially and we prophesy partially, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away.
When I was a child, I used to talk as a child, think as a child, reason as a child; when I became a man, I put aside childish things.
At present we see indistinctly, as in a mirror, but then face to face. At present I know partially; then I shall know fully, as I am fully known.
So faith, hope, love remain, these three; but the greatest of these is love.1 Corinthians, Chapter 13, New American Bible
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Human beings are very much like icebergs -- we only see a small portion of them, and nothing of the hidden currents which drag them this way and that.
I fancy that we would not sit and judge our neighbor so frequently as we do, did we but ponder well over the small amount of data we possess. We perceive only the external act, but nothing of the motive activating it.Father David McAstocker
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Some people change every food they absorb into a bad mood, even if the food is healthy. The fault does not lie in the food but in their temperament, which changes the food. Even so, if our soul has a bad disposition, everything harms it; it transforms even useful things into things that are harmful to it. If you throw a little bit of bitter herbs into a pot of honey, won't they change the whole pot by making all the honey bitter? That is what we do: we spread a little of our bitterness and we destroy our neighbor's good by looking at him according to our bad disposition.
Other people have a temperament that transforms everything into a good mood, even bad food. Pigs have a very good constitution. They eat pods, date seeds and garbage. But they transform that food into succulent meat. In the same way, if we have good habits and a good state of the soul, we can benefit from everything, even from what is not beneficial. The Book of Proverbs says it very well: "The one who sees with gentleness will obtain mercy." And in another place: "For the foolish person, everything is contrary."
I heard it said of a brother that if, when he went to see someone else, he found his cell in a state of neglect and in disorder, he told himself: "How happy is this brother to be completely detached from earthly things and to carry his spirit on high so well that he doesn't even have the time to tidy his cell!" If he then went to another brother and found his cell tidy, clean, and in good order, he told himself: "This brother's cell is as clean as his soul. As is the state of his soul, so is the state of his cell!" He never said of anyone: "This one is untidy," or: "That one is frivolous." Because of his excellent state, he benefited from everything. May God in his goodness also give us a good state so that we might benefit from everything and never think badly of our neighbor. If our malice inspires us to pass judgment or to be suspicious, let us quickly transform that into a good thought. For with God's help, not seeing what is bad in our neighbor brings forth kindness.Dorotheus of Gaza (around 500 - ?),
Monk in Palestine, via The Daily Gospel
Tags: Catholicism, Christianity
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