Tuesday, July 27, 2004

Poor Man's Lord of the Rings

It wasn't a bad movie but it wasn't one of the greats either. Realizing that no one really knows the legend of King Arthur, the movie makers lifted a few names, put their story in England and named it "King Arthur." The "R" rating saved me from having to take Rose to see "Troy" and if there was any consistency in the rating system, this would have been "R" too, if only for Arthur and Guinivere's little triste. I thought the one redeeming thing it had was some pretty good looking guys ... until I watched Tom Cruise in the Last Samurai and realized I was settling for way too little in that department. Clive Owen, eat your heart out.

These excerpts from King Arthur in 15 Minutes (registration with livejournal.com required) take care of my review (which says a lot right there).

Historical? No.
VERY SERIOUS TEXT: Recent historical evidence suggests that Arthur was actually some Roman guy named Arturius. This, therefore, is a completely historically accurate movie, because God knows you can count on a Bruckheimer flick for your history lessons.

Predictable? Yes.
LANCELOT: Whatever. Clearly I'm going to die in battle, and I'm really hoping it's not going to be this one, but when I die, don't bury me on this stinking island. Burn me and cast my ashes to the wind.

ARTHUR: Awww, dude! Look what you went and did!


ARTHUR: Now you're totally going to have to die, so we can dispose of your body in that precise manner. It's like, a rule.

"PG-13?" No way. Try "R".
GUINEVEIRA: *pulls up her skirt and pushes Arthur's hand under*

ARTHUR: Baby, I'm Clive Owen. I think I know where it is.

MOTHERS IN THE AUDIENCE: OMG this movie is so not PG-13!


SOMEONE IN THE MUSIC DEPARTMENT: *actually digs up a Celtic porno sax*

Thanks to Cleolinda Jones, genius writer of the 15 Minute Movies, for making this review so easy. 'Nuff said. Next movie!

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